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That Was The Year That Wasn’t *

Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us… Yes, that’s right, Bermuda Sucks is celebrating a year of rants, raves and ramblings (with a bit of wisdom thrown in for good measure).

To mark the occasion, and to save you from having to bother reading any newspapers, we’ve compiled a handy review of the most significant occurrences of the past 12 months.

August 05

• The heat of the Bermuda summer was alleviated by a group of Cedarbridge students when they took part in a sponsored wall-sit to raise money for an air-conditioner. Money originally earmarked for the machines had been diverted to emergency mansion funds.

• Bermuda’s most notorious website made its first appearance.

September 05

• Bermuda Sucks guy targeted by dog poop gangs.
• Lindo’s offered Movenpick ice cream at the bargain price of $31.89.
• Government expressed concern over an outbreak of good service when a Paget woman was fined $3000 and sentenced to 4 months in jail for smiling at a customer who didn’t say good morning. She has been ordered to undertake a rehabilitation programme.

• Bermuda hosted the world machete throwing championships.

October 05

• A rise in milk prices triggered a wave of grocery-muggings. Locals were advised not to openly carry milk cartons so that the thugs target expats and tourists instead.

• Bermuda’s latest tourism slogan was unveiled. Learning the lesson from previous racy ‘Feel the Love’ campaigns, Bermuda decided on a more wholesome approach. Tourists were urged to ‘Feel the Appropriate Level of Antipathy’ instead.

November 05

• Mass hysteria gripped guest workers. Absolutely nothing to do with the announcement (again) that Bermuda is a technically advanced nation.
• CableVision’s request to transmit Playboy channel rejected on the grounds it might encourage fornication.

• Bermuda ranked 2^nd in international teen pregnancy rates and 1^st in TV viewing.

December 05

• Corporal Barmy Bunch denied sexism in row over “women should be barefoot, pregnant and on their knees” speech on Tepid FM.
• E. Wart Beige denied that investing in Cuban and Antiguan resorts was a conflict of interest.
• Santa was banned after immigration revealed that his work permit was denied. His employer had failed to post the required ads in the Regal Garotte Situations Vacant column.

January 06

• Another tourism campaign was launched to attract visitors from Eritrea and Laos.
• Another $170 million of funding was given to cricketers in an attempt to help them beat anyone except Canada.

• Berkeley School project was $900 million over budget so far.

February 06

• P showed his statesman-like qualities with State of the Nation speech: “I’m the king of the castle, you’re a dirty rascal.”
• Works & Engineering completed the building of a new wall. The 3 feet high, 20 feet long erection has been likened to the Great Wall of China and Hadrian’s Wall. It took 23 men 2 years to build at a cost of just $29 million. The wall is to form the centerpiece of Bermuda’s new tourism campaign, ‘Feel the Wall.’

March 06

• On advice from other world leaders, P declares war on the Faeroe Islands to divert attention from government failures.
• Another $29 million is allocated to cricket training and facilities.
• Man given 1 month suspended sentence for brutally beating his wife because it was the bitch’s fault for speaking with another man.

April 06

• Bermuda launches new tourism campaign, ‘Feel the Insanity.’

• Cricket funding receives much needed $9 million boost.

• Vuitton bag sales up 79% after mentions on Bermuda Sucks.

May 06

• The Regal Garotte managed an entire story without a single spelling or grammar mistake. The single paragraph article about a shoplifting conviction has won the inaugural News Report of the Year award.

• Canada beats Bermuda in cricket by an innings and 799 runs.

• Sybil, Queen of Bermuda, attracted admirers at the Bermuda Day parade. At least two MPs gave her their numbers in the hope of a date. She rejected them on fashion grounds. A campaign began to elect Sybil to lead the baton twirlers next year.

June 06

• It is discovered that the entire Australian cricket team would cost less than funding in Bermuda. P texts Shane Warne with an offer but a Crackberry malfunction broadcasts his message to the Queen instead. She politely declines his invitation to spank those Canucks with a bit of ball tampering.
• New tourism campaign urges visitors to ‘Feel the Entitlement.’
• MPs’ salaries increased by 66% and work hours cut by 75%.
• $90 million put aside for urgent mansion upgrades.

July 06

• Bermuda demonstrated its advanced technology infrastructure by introducing 33 Kbps dial up. An introductory price of $129 a month was available to people who look like the ISP.

• A cellphone user successfully sent an SMS message overseas. Cingularly Useless have promised to fix the loophole to avoid future international texting.
• $800 million goes missing from government coffers. They are able to account for where they misdirected the rest.

August 06

• 7 Royal Garotte journalists cited for asking plantation questions. One even had the nerve to ask where the bathroom is, causing untold offence to Minister Delayed Butler.
• As part of the sustainable development plan, it is announced that the new hospital will be built in the middle of the Botanical Gardens. Cabinet start to plan their retirement.
• Bermuda Sucks celebrated a year of mischief, mayhem and campaigning.

* beware, some of these stories are actually true.

Insurgent Rum Attacks Leave Bermuda On The Brink *

(August 19^th, Disassociated Press)

Disaster struck the small British dependency Bermuda late Saturday when insurgents disabled critical infrastructure including the Pickled Poser, Threshcos, Square Root, Goslings warehouse and M.R. Turnips. A state of emergency has been declared.

Initially assumed to be the result of just another Belco screwup, the fires, explosions and rum thefts have now, say police, been claimed by a rogue band of accountants known as Al-Cassava. 

The attacks have left Bermuda dangerously short of critical rum supplies, making the tiny nation vulnerable to civil unrest and substandard liquor.

As early shoppers queued overnight to lay their hands on the Supermarketplace’s last remaining bottles of the black stuff, staff raced to stock the shelves with newly marked-up bottles at the special price of $799.99. The policy of taking customers’ first-borns as security backfired when several parents refused to reclaim their kids.

“So far we have seen chaos, disorder and random machete attacks,” said police spokesman Ron Fullarest, “But if the rum supply is not restored, we expect to notice some downturn in usual behaviour.”

Al-Cassava claimed responsibility for the attacks in a note passed to the Regal Garotte newspaper. The group’s demands are said to include increased moped parking, a reduction in milk prices and SMS messaging that works more than 1 day in 5. They are also rumoured to have asked for broadband that is faster than other countries’ dial-up and costs less than the GDP of Costa Rica (which is a heck of a lot of bananas).

“By hitting rum supplies, this group is targeting the very heart of our society,” said government spokesman Ian Competent. “Our response must be swift and decisive: we will be implementing a range of more stringent controls on expats, accountants and other undesirables. In the long term, though, the answer must be independence and greater investment in cricket and P’s mansion.”  

The spokesman said that the government does not plan to encourage reasonable milk prices, fast internet or accessible moped parking. “That would be giving in to the insurgents’ demands, and we don’t do deals with expats.”

* It’s OK, we made it up, there is no shortage. But maybe you’d better buy an extra bottle or two, just in case ;-)

Bermuda Recipe of the Week: Tomates et Carottes au Moule

This week’s recipe has been kindly supplied by the Supermarketplace on Back Street to help you use all that wonderful produce that is now available in-store.

You will need:

• 6 large mouldy tomatoes
• 1 bag shriveled carrots
• ½ pound festering grapes
• 1 bottle Black Seal rum
• 5 ounces furry cheddar
• 2 ounces New Zealand radioactive butter
• ½ chopped Bermuda Onion
• Obscenely expensive fresh herbs
• Endangered fish
• 1 rotten apple
• As much of Dunkley’s milk as you can afford
• 1 shriveled lime

Take 6 large mouldy tomatoes and chop roughly. Mix with a bag of chopped, shriveled and browning carrots and the juice of ½ pound festering grapes. Simmer on low heat for 12 minutes, adding more grape juice where required.

Drink a glass of rum.

Meanwhile, grate 5 ounces of furry cheddar cheese and combine it with 2 ounces of melted New Zealand radioactive butter (must have unrealistic use-by date in 2009 – this is how to tell it from regular butter). Add half a chopped Bermuda onion (don’t worry if he squeals a little) and some obscenely expensive fresh herbs. Mix well.

Drink another glass of rum. Make it a double.

Meantime, to the simmering mouldy tomato mix, add some of the last ever local fish and a peeled grated apple (you must not use the brown, mouldy or rotten bits – set these aside). Simmer for another 9 minutes.

Stir in as much Dunkley’s whole milk as you can afford (if you are a reinsurance executive on a 7 figure salary, why not splurge and go for a whole cup).

Forget the glass and drink some rum from the bottle.

Add the grated zest of a shriveled lime and stir well. Top with the retained apple bits. Pour the mixture into the toilet (saves washing dishes) and drink the remaining rum. Get on your bike and ride to the Swizzle Inn, where they do outstanding chicken wings. Order a Swizzle to wash it down. Bake.

Total cost (not including the chicken wings, swizzle and gas): $77.81

Next week: P contributes his recipe for humble pie. You will need to buy in advance: More rum, hallucinogenic drugs, ginger beer.

Coming soon: Corporal Dutch Elm whips up his Bitter Snowflake Surprise and Michael Dumpley treats us to his magic milkshakes.

This week’s recipe has been kindly supplied by the Supermarketplace on Back Street to help you use all that wonderful produce that is now available in-store.

You will need:

• 6 large mouldy tomatoes
• 1 bag shriveled carrots
• ½ pound festering grapes
• 1 bottle Black Seal rum
• 5 ounces furry cheddar
• 2 ounces New Zealand radioactive butter
• ½ chopped Bermuda Onion
• Obscenely expensive fresh herbs
• Endangered fish
• 1 rotten apple
• As much of Dunkley’s milk as you can afford
• 1 shriveled lime

Take 6 large mouldy tomatoes and chop roughly. Mix with a bag of chopped, shriveled and browning carrots and the juice of ½ pound festering grapes. Simmer on low heat for 12 minutes, adding more grape juice where required.

Drink a glass of rum.

Meanwhile, grate 5 ounces of furry cheddar cheese and combine it with 2 ounces of melted New Zealand radioactive butter (must have unrealistic use-by date in 2009 – this is how to tell it from regular butter). Add half a chopped Bermuda onion (don’t worry if he squeals a little) and some obscenely expensive fresh herbs. Mix well.

Drink another glass of rum. Make it a double.

Meantime, to the simmering mouldy tomato mix, add some of the last ever local fish and a peeled grated apple (you must not use the brown, mouldy or rotten bits – set these aside). Simmer for another 9 minutes.

Stir in as much Dunkley’s whole milk as you can afford (if you are a reinsurance executive on a 7 figure salary, why not splurge and go for a whole cup).

Forget the glass and drink some rum from the bottle.

Add the grated zest of a shriveled lime and stir well. Top with the retained apple bits. Pour the mixture into the toilet (saves washing dishes) and drink the remaining rum. Get on your bike and ride to the Swizzle Inn, where they do outstanding chicken wings. Order a Swizzle to wash it down. Bake.

Total cost (not including the chicken wings, swizzle and gas): $77.81

Next week: P contributes his recipe for humble pie. You will need to buy in advance: More rum, hallucinogenic drugs, ginger beer.

Coming soon: Corporal Dutch Elm whips up his Bitter Snowflake Surprise and Michael Dumpley treats us to his magic milkshakes.

Who Wants To Be A Billionaire Comes To Bermuda

Bermudian viewers have watched with rapt attention in recent years as people from California to Maine ask the audience, phone friends or take fifty-fifty in their quest for wealth. Until now, though, locals could only join in by yelling the answers at the TV as the real contestants floundered. Now, though, that is set to change.

The name may be different but the format is the same. Who Wants To Be A Billionaire, to be shown on VPL TV, will give ordinary Bermudians who happen to be cabinet members the chance to win a cut of the prize money.

“The lure is for contestants to win a significant enough amount to create a very desirable lifestyle simply by applying their knowledge of trivia. However, it quickly became clear that a million doesn’t go far in a country where a weekly shop costs more than the average annual salary in poorer nations such as New Zealand and Canada,” said VPL General Manager Drew Anchor.

Questions will start off easy, but anyone expecting to score the big prize could be required to answer questions about literature, science, the arts and entertainment.

“Very few people around the world have won a million but plenty have won significant amounts. Not every Bermudian competitor can expect to be an overnight billionaire but most can expect at least a new Vuitton handbag or even enough to buy fresh milk for a year or two,” continued Anchor.

Anchor denied that problems with the pilot show would make the format impossible in Bermuda. Admitting that $800 million in prize money remained unaccounted for, he put the problem down to teething troubles and said they would be ironed out by the time the series starts next week.

Biggest winner in the trial, a cabinet special, was Emperor P, whose thrilling dash for dollars was only caught short when he was unable to spell ‘accountability.’ In spite of that, he was able to come away with $1.5 million.  Other questions that thwarted contestants included a request to name 10 constituents (Perry Blister) and who has right of way at a roundabout (even the audience couldn’t help Power Fox with that toughie).

Who Wants To Be A Billionaire screens from next Thursday on VPL TV.

Etiquette Guide for Guest Workers

John Harvey, CEO of the Bermuda Hotels Association pointed out that, along with the teenage pregnancy rate, the price of tomatoes and global warming, the island’s poor customer service record is the fault of guest workers*. Apparently it is all due to ignorance of appropriate etiquette, so here are a few tips to help you get it right. While these are primarily aimed at the hospitality industry, they can apply to any customer-facing role:

It is the customer’s duty to say "good morning" first. If they neglect this duty, continue to ignore them for as long as it takes for them to get the message. Some customers require a lot of this training. I know it’s hard sometimes but if you give in, they’ll start to expect service everywhere they go and then what will happen?

• When a customer approaches, ignore them.
• The customer must only wish you a good morning and approach when you have signaled that they may do so. This should be done with a brief upward nod of the head and, for advanced practitioners, a glare or scowl.
• Once the customer approaches, look at them carefully to determine if they look like you, the Premier, Angelina Jolie or the Incredible Hulk. For these customers, you may drop the glare.
• Ensure that all necessary tasks have been concluded before you give the customer your attention. These could include: filing your nails; talking to your co-workers; taking phone calls from your ace boy/girl; debating whether Shakisha in accounts has the fattest arse in the island; educating all within earshot about the medical condition of the previous customer; and taking your lunch break.
• Repeat the glare frequently.
• Process the customer slowly. If they wanted quicker service, they’d go to Thailand or Jamaica.
• It is important to check if the customer is concentrating. In a hotel, this could be done by charging them for 9 nights instead of 3. In shops or restaurants, perhaps simply adding random items they have not purchased or overcharging by 40%.
• Speaking to the customer is unnecessary unless it is your aunty.
• You can also speak to the customer occasionally if you need to point out the error of their ways. Some are dumb enough not to learn from your glares.
• The customer is always wrong and it is your job to point this out.

By following these simple rules, you can offer the level of service that visitors to Bermuda have come to expect.

Next week: etiquette tips for bus and taxi drivers.

*Mr Harvey did not specifically comment on the cause of tomato prices, the teenage pregnancy rate and global warming – these are already accepted guest worker liabilities.

Corporal Birch-Twigg: An Apology

When the Broadcasting Standards Confusion (BSC) announced its verdict on Corporal Birch-Twigg’s now infamous “house nigger” outburst, local media were caught unawares by mention of a public apology. Fortunately, though, the folks at Tepid FM are fans of Bermuda Sucks, so they were only too happy to help when we asked for a tape of the contrite Corporal. Here’s the transcript:

(Closing bars of a song). “That was ‘Where Yo’ Bitches At,’ Tepid FM’s tune of the day. Now, speakin’ of bitches, there’s been a lot of whining by those house niggers over at the opposition headquarters about being called house niggers. Like it’s my fault they all want to be white, bye. They’re getting all upset over my use of the word ‘house.’ Anyway, normally I wouldn’t respond to the media with all their plantation questions but clearly they need a language lesson.

“The word ‘house’ is in fact enshrined in literary meaning. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that “A man builds a fine house; and now he has a master, and a task for life; he is to furnish, watch, show it, and keep it in repair, the rest of his days.” And The Animals recorded a song called House of the Rising Sun. As former Manchester United player Eric Cantona once said, "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think that sardines will be thrown into the sea" I think that clarifies why it is the fault of guest workers, the opposition and all those homosexuals.

“Clearly I am not in any way racist. Sometimes I am going to say things that people don’t like and they are going to jump on that accusation because they know I’m right, they’re not, nah nah nah nah nah, so there.

Now here’s our next song, ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale.’ (muffled noise and some bleeps). Those dumbass voters should go for all that literary crap, eh bye? Not like they’re going to vote for a bunch of people who don’t even WANT to look like me.  And at least all this stops them noticing that the only housing we’ve completed is P’s mansion. What? What’s that about the microphone? Its still on? Whaddya mean did I hit the wrong switch? That’s a plantation question.

Black Box Unveils Secrets of Shipping Incident*

While others speculate about the cause of the mishap that caused the Danish Tiara to go aground yesterday, Bermuda Sucks has an exclusive transcript from the ship’s black box. Just like the more familiar aviation devices, a shipping black box records all conversation at the controls of the vessel.

Ship: Danish Tiara

Date: 7 June 2006

Time: 08.25

Location: The Bermuda Triangle

Conditions: Dark & stormy

Transcript

Captain Sven: Hi, you must be the local pilot, welcome.

Long silence.

Captain Sven: Hello, hej, you speak English, yes?

Silence.

Local Pilot (muttered): He hasn’t said good mornin. He gotta say it first, he’s the forner.

Captain Sven: God morgen…

Local Pilot: Morgan… like Captain Morgan’s rum? Don’t mind if I do.

Captain Sven: No, it is Danish for good morning. Now, I should tell you a little about the Tiara, her controls are a little bit diff… no, please don’t touch that! As I was saying, she is a little bit..

LP: Eh bye, it’s all good, I done this before, I know what I’m doing.

CS: OK, but as I said, the Tiara is a new ship and she’s a..

LP: I know, a bit different. Don’t worry bye, we’ll have you in front of a swizzle before you can say Goslings. Hey, what does this button do?

CS: No! Don’t touch that! That’s the..

LP: Cooool! You can see the aerobics class from here… check out da longtail in de blue spandex…. Mmmmm mmmmm! Dis a great spot for webbin!

CS: Yes but before you take control I must show you….

LP: No problem, I’ve been riding a scooter since I was 12, and I finished the probation for that. (Pause) Oh yeah, baby, jumping jacks, yeah…

Tugboat Captain: Good morning Danish Tiara, this is Bermuda tugboat Lustful. It’s a little choppy out there so we’re going to help guide you in.

LP: Wesley, dat you bye? Zapnin?

Tugboat Captain: Yeah, this is Wesley, who’s that?

LP: Is Tarnell, bye… I know your aunty. How’s she doing?

CS: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but aren’t we getting a bit close to that rock?

LP: No problem bye, we got plenty of room, I came here on a jetski last weekend…. Yeah bye, aunty’s doing fine. Her diabetes been playing up and she had some constipation problems but its all good now.

Tugboat Captain: Good to know. Figs and cassava pie, tell her. Shifts it every time.

LP: Hey, what happens if I pull this lever? OK, OK, I’m just messin with ya captain.

CS: Shouldn’t we be the other side of that market? Red right return as you English speakers like to say…

LP: No bye, not here, dis is Bermuda. We gotta go past the pink house, take a left by Spanish Point… or was that right, I’m not good with my left and right.. Wesley, is it left past the pink house or right?

Tugboat Captain: No, bye, it’s straight ahead past de pink house, up de channel, past de markers, wait for de tugs…

LP: Got it, past de pink house, past de markers… hey Captain, can you get them to do more of those stretches? And a bit of jogging..?

CS: Never mind that, are you sure we are on the right path? I can see the bottom there.

LP: Don't worry bye, we’ve got plenty of..

Loud scraping sound

LP: Wesley! I thought you said left at the pink house, bye!

CS: My ship! My beautiful ship!

* Pure fiction and bears no relation to real life events in the real world.

The Emperor Has No Ideas

Saturday’s Easter speech has been dubbed the ‘Age of Entitlement’ address by commentators excited about Beermusa’s leadership in pointless monologues.

Breaking a world record for use of the word ‘entitlement’ in a sentence, the emperor attributed his success to a complete lack of punctuation by his Berkeley-educated speechwriter.

“Commas are an elitist symbol of people who don’t look like me, and I have the entitlement to rabble for hours about entitlement without drawing breath,” said the emperor.

The speechwriter, Dillard Furpants, didn’t know what to write so he just made it up at random by using darts and a dictionary. He sold it to the Emperor by complimenting him on his stylish facial hair.

The Emperor’s flunkies couldn’t see any ideas either, but none of them wanted to look stupid, and definitely, nobody wanted to upset him. So they all complimented his astute speech selection and admired his entitlement ratio.

The Easter address out-bullshitted previous nonsense benchmarks such as the 2004 State of the Nation address by President Shrub, a diatribe that only featured a technical difficulty rating of 7.8 and an overall score of 45.1. In an audacious effort, the Emperor managed to introduce new moves such as the social-agenda sidestep to blitz previous efforts and achieve 45.5 and snatch the world record.

Highlights of the address included punching the air every time he said “entitlement” and dismissing the opposition as “that bunch of people already lined their pockets.” The Emperor also gave a protracted sermon about Beermusa’s future as a smart nation, without offering a single reason why this is likely to occur or what it involves.

In a marathon effort, the Emperor spoke for more than seven hours without uttering a single intelligible sentence. He achieved multiple use of buzzwords such as leverage, best-of-breed, state-of-the-art, utilize, participation and empowerment. He finished with a previously never attempted triple entitlement, a feat wasted on much of an audience already so overwhelmed they had ceased to remain conscious.

In a shocking incident, one member of the audience stayed awake with the aid of copious Red Bull, only to accuse the address of containing not a single idea. He was quickly run out of town, as befitting an expat daring to speak up. He should’ve ranted on Bermuda Sucks instead.

Soon, though, some other people started to notice that the Emperor had no ideas. But that didn’t matter because it is not the Emperor’s job to listen to people anyway. Unlike in the original fairytale, he was not in the least embarrassed.

The Emperor’s speech has been validated by Guinness Book of Records officials and will appear in the next edition both for its use of entitlement 781 times and for its world-beating bullshit rating.

And they all lived in fantasy ever after.

436 REASONS

I’ll start by saying that I am not a childcare expert. I’m not a teacher, healthcare professional or even a parent. I do, however, know a bit about child abuse. I know, for example, that, regardless of any assumptions, it affects children from every racial, social and economic background. And adults, for that matter. Rich kids, poor kids, black kids, white kids, and often, very young kids. So before you think that it has nothing to do with you, think again. Here are 436 reasons it has everything to do with you.

Bermuda’s latest child abuse numbers have just been released. There were reported cases of abuse against 436 pre-school and primary aged children in 2005. 142 of them fell into the pre-school bracket. This is likely to be just the tip of the iceberg though. Children are often silent victims, scared to speak up. Their abuser typically is in a trusted position – parent, family member, ‘friend.’ Especially in sexual abuse cases, the child is manipulated to keep secrets and convinced that it will be their fault if the perpetrator gets into trouble. Even in some of the most horrific cases of abuse, children have been overwhelmingly loyal – especially when the abuser is a parent. If we know of 436 cases of abuse, we can be sure the real number is much higher. You probably pass abused children in the street every single day.

When the figures were discussed in Parliament, we were reassured that numbers will be monitored in case any ‘alarming’ trends emerge. Like 436 young children being abused is not alarming enough? I’m not going to claim this is just a government issue though. It is a society issue that we all bear some responsibility for. We can all play a part in trying to reverse the trend, or we can bury our heads in the sand and forget we ever heard the number 436. What’s it going to be?

There are some facilities that help abused children and their families in Bermuda. They are overstretched. There is an annual awareness campaign, but nothing that runs throughout the year. I don’t know if there is a 24-hour helpline, but I’d like to know. If I don’t know, chances are most kids don’t know either. Not being involved in this area professionally, I don’t know what resources would be most beneficial or make most difference – although I suspect most teachers and health workers could tell me. I do know that a concerted effort could make a lot of difference.

But what can I do about it? What can you do?

Here are a few challenges:

• Corporations: Bermuda has some of the world’s richest companies. I know it is easy to keep sponsorship to supporting nice things like the arts, but how about sponsoring an abuse hotline, a specialist counselor, an awareness campaign? You’re probably making a bundle being in Bermuda – so a million here or there put back into the community wouldn’t hurt you.
• Government: how about matching sponsorship donations from business to make a campaign really rock? Take it from the cricket fund if you have to. Sure, they may be disappointed, but they’ll get over it a whole lot quicker than those 436 kids.
• World Cup cricketers: you are heading to an event viewed on TV by millions around the world – surely you can find someone who’ll pay to put their logo on your uniforms so that you can hand over a bit of that funding? That would make you not just sporting heroes but real heroes to boot.
• Individuals: aside from donations of money (always good), do you have skills that could be used in a campaign? Are you a skilled graphic artist/copywriter/radio or TV producer? I’m glad to give my skills as an ad writer, anyone want to join me?
• Media: If we come up with the ads, will you run them for free? And I mean all year round, not just as an annual event. Will you give us some editorial?
• Phone companies: how about making available a free 1800 number for an abuse hotline?

Surely with involvement from all of the above, we could between government, business, media and individuals manage a hotline and an extra support worker at the very least. A year-round ad campaign should be feasible. If you think you can help in some way, drop me a message through the Forum on this site. Or do you have something more important to do today than prevent the rape of another pre-schooler?

LITTER CONUNDRUM - REVEALED

Spotting the litter can sitting askew, I found it had been broken from its base. Moving it aside revealed the air duct pumping warm, malodorous fumes.