With Bermuda having escaped relatively unscathed from the recent 40 metre tsunami waves, government has acted swiftly to devise a new national emergency plan.
Premier’s Action National Incident Contingency (PANIC) Plan will be put into action in all disaster situations, whether natural or caused by malevolent guest workers.
The PANIC Plan will incorporate the Premier’s Emergency Escape Plan (PEEP) to ensure that Bermuda’s leadership is safely off-island in the event of hurricanes, floods or Canadian accountant uprisings.
“Typically, it is ensured that the leader is off-island in emergency situations, as we saw with last year’s hurricane,” said PANIC Plan overseer Corporal Barmy.
“Unfortunately, the tsunami emergency was unplanned and our leader was unable to escape the island. PANIC will improve our response in this situation.”
The PANIC Plan will ensure that people are suitably informed and aware of what to do in an emergency. It covers emergency services response, communications and evacuation situations.
PANIC prioritises rescue and evacuation to ensure minimal losses. The optimum evacuation point has been determined to be Gibbs Hill, with plans to relocate the Goslings warehouse there immediately to a purpose-built underground bunker.
Gibbs Hill is to be marked with colour coded lines so people will know their place. Top of the hill will be Government Ministers (gold line), then Born Bermudians (blue line), with subsequent sections for Other Bermudians (white line), Spouses of Bermudians (yellow), People Who Look Like Bermudians (purple – see definitions to be posted on scooters and bus stops around the island), tourists (pink line) and then guest workers (red line).
The PANIC Plan can be activated by any Bermudian encountering a national emergency, simply by following the CHAOS steps:
CELLPHONE – call or text everyone you know to ensure that Digihell’s capacity is used to the max.
HAIR – ensure your style is ready for all those media interviews.
AUNTIE – make sure you inform your aunties, it would be rude not to.
OFFICIALS – inform the appropriate emergency services such as police, fire services and VSB.
STAMPEDE – get to your assigned position at Gibbs Hill.
“It is never too soon to invoke PANIC or CHAOS,” said Corporal Barmy. “The sooner we start PANIC, the sooner we can get the Premier on the BA flight and avoid unnecessary loss of life and frequent flyer points.”
While he put no limit on the type of situations where PANIC would be appropriate, he singled out hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, avalanches, terrorist sous-chefs and rioting Philippino nannies as especially PANIC-worthy incidents.
Phase 2 of PANIC preparedness will include acquisition of $36 million of Louis Vuitton gas masks for those entitled to survive higher level attacks. It will also incorporate compulsory conscription of expats to work camps to build escape tunnels from the Cabinet Building to the airport and Gibbs Hill.
When PANIC has been launched, warns Corporal Barmy, to avoid road congestion, only government workers will be entitled to use cars. Bermudians will be entitled to use mopeds, SoBs will be entitled to catch a pink bus (coupons only, no cash allowed) and foreigners should travel on foot or just wait to be rescued.
In emergencies, regular updates will be posted by Bermuda’s bloggers.
The full PANIC plan can be found posted at government buildings and will be on the government website when someone can figure out how.
* So we made it up… better than not having a plan, isn’t it?
Attacks on government’s plans to create another daily newspaper for Bermuda have been slammed as "sheer jealousy" by government spokesperson and Daily Ewart editor-in-chief Clancy Cofantt.
Recent mentions by government ministers of a desire to create an additional daily newspaper for Bermuda were met with suspicion or even derision by existing media outlets and bloggers.
Fortunately, claims of an expensive propaganda project are unfounded, according to Cofantt, who says The Daily Ewart will be, "an unbiased and neutrally written quality newspaper with something for everyone (who looks like us).
"We were tired of current media failing to ask the important questions, concentrating instead on trivial matters such as mismanagement, overspending and Senator Barmy’s outbursts," she continued. "Not one of them has had the insight and journalistic integrity to focus on the critical issues such as P2’s ability to source the perfect party favours for any occasion, or whether the First Lady’s shoes are Jimmy Choo or Manolo Blahnik."
With the Daily Ewart scheduled to launch at an intimate soiree for 300 guests on December 11th (tickets $19,000 from Ticketmaster), Cofantt gave us a sneak preview of what readers can expect from Bermuda’s latest rag:
* Actually they haven’t set the record straight as far as we know and the above articles were fabricated by Bermuda Sucks (but would be really great ideas – we’re glad to write them for a spare assessment number, a huge funding increase to the WRC and a case of Black Seal).
Coming Soon!
The Bermuda Sucks Post-it note will give the "Tight Ass Canadians", and those whose pockets are deeper than the length of their arms, a chance to reply to the service cheques which have the gratituities built in.
The notes will be available on-line here, and at the Women's Resource Centre. They are $5 for a pad of 50, and 100% of the dime you spend on each sticky note goes directly to the WRC.
These will make a great gift, or stocking suffer. You also get to feel good about donating to an important charity which provides legal and emotional aid to women suffering from sexual and domestic violence.
Now, the only question is, how long will it take the Postal Service to deliver the package that was shipped from the U.S. on Thursday November 15?
With the island reeling from the suggestion of spending $36 million on a dream World Cup run, the government has moved to dismiss claims that it should better prioritize spending.
Instead, it claims, it has found a way to ensure footballing glory whilst still providing the required government services.
Outsourcing, says Minister of Random Portfolios Horny Randton, is the way to take our nation forward.
“By outsourcing our other, less important ministries such as Housing, Education, Transport and Health, we can achieve significant savings and also neatly avoid having to figure out the new hospital mess,” said Randton.
“We will focus on critical issues such as reaching the World Cup by any means possible, while some sucker in Mumbai will have to take the flak for building a hospital in the Botanical Gardens and a new Premier’s mansion in Victoria Park.”
Denying that the move will cause an upturn in unemployment, Randton pointed out that the government can simply reduce expat numbers.
“We have already started a teaser campaign, leaving flyers on cars and mopeds to pique the interest of the public. This will be followed up with a $97 million advertising campaign that will be paid for by an increase in work permit application costs,” commented Randton.
The Random Portfolios minister refused to give away many details of the World Cup plan, other than to say that he believed he could prove a link between the island and Brazil star Ronaldinho. He declined to comment on suggestions that the midfield marvel looks and sounds like the lovechild of former minister Princess Vidal Sassoon and one of the Windyreach donkeys.
Randton asserted that the outsourcing move will benefit the community.
“When interviewing potential outsourcing companies in Mumbai, we insisted that they are able to offer the level of service that our population expects from its government; in the end, though, we had to settle for a higher competence.”
Randton did point out that the more technology focused portfolio of Telecommunications, e-Commerce and Geek Affairs will continue to be handed by the skilled team on-island.
“We are an e-Commerce powerhouse and we are yet to be convinced that India is capable of providing the broad range of dial-up-pretending-to-be-broadband that we already offer.”
* Completely fabricated. Spending $36 million to get a tiny bit of inhabited rock to the World Cup is way too daft that it could ever happen, isn’t it?
Today I’m going to resist the temptation to use satire (well, I’ll try) to consider the opportunity that lies before Bermuda’s new Premier.
We probably all have ideas or expectations based on previous media coverage or personal experience of the new guy, but lets put those aside for a moment and consider what we would like to see happen.
It doesn’t matter what three letter acronym party Dr. Brown comes from, it is his actions that count. It is these early days that will show us what type of leadership he brings. Here are some topics I’d love to see tackled from the start:
I recognize fixing these issues is easier said than done. However, tough and fair leadership can go a long way towards improving the situation of everyone in Bermuda. Tackling these key difficulties vigorously and effectively will win over the most doubtful of our community. Please Dr. Brown, exceed our expectations and make us proud. Even if it doesn’t make for good Bermuda Sucks copy.
A public meeting on the subject of independence yesterday gave little insight into the island’s direction. Aimed at education and getting accurate feedback from the public, the gathering’s informal poll showed that:
Speaking in favour of independence, Corporal Barmy said that it would “Allow the island to govern its own destiny and rid itself of people who take our parking spaces.” He also pointed out that the government would be able to suspend citizenship of undesirables such as the opposition, before giving a spooky laugh like the ones used by the baddies in Scooby Doo. It is believed that Hollywood is now courting the Corporal for an upcoming role in another Batman sequel.
Speaking against independence, Gerald Furby, a retired administrator with too much time on his hands, said that it was important that Bermuda retain its links with the UK because otherwise that nice Prince Andrew won’t visit any more. He also pointed out that under the current system he has the right to work as a dancer in the Moulin Rouge and that right would be lost in an independent Bermuda.
Expat Ralph Fleissige announced he had a telegraph for Herr Dettweiler. The recipient could not be found and was rumoured to be in Vienna with the Baroness. On the question of how to solve a problem like Maria, Corporal Barmy suggested she be deported since she clearly had no work permit.
Lashaquettilla from Paget asked what would happen to her passport if Bermuda went independent. The panel were split on this issue, with some favouring changing to a pink to match the houses and others preferring turquoise to match the sea. A compromise was proposed where passport holders can choose between those options or maybe have alternate covers to match their purses or Bermuda shorts. Lashaquettilla said that it wasn’t what she meant but that she favoured turquoise.
To the question of what would be the financial impact of retaining the status quo versus choosing independence, the corporal pointed out that “We will have complete control of your money, I mean our money, in an independent Bermuda. Many people will be better off.”
Opposition spokesperson Quietasa Mouse declared this to be false, pointing out that the earth would fall in and that Bermuda would then have to pay for its own figurehead in ridiculous uniform. Current market prices for figureheads in ridiculous uniform are high due to a surge in demand in North Korea and Luxembourg. Pressed by a persistent questioner, she also admitted that raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are indeed numbered among her very favourite things.
Due to a lack of time, the panel could not answer all questions during the meeting. Attendees were asked to write their questions down and the chairperson has promised to publish all answers along with lyrics to Edelweiss on the government website.
*Mostly fabricated but the Baroness really was last seen in Vienna with Herr Dettweiler.