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Welcome To Brown’s Bermuda

Today I’m going to resist the temptation to use satire (well, I’ll try) to consider the opportunity that lies before Bermuda’s new Premier.

We probably all have ideas or expectations based on previous media coverage or personal experience of the new guy, but lets put those aside for a moment and consider what we would like to see happen.

It doesn’t matter what three letter acronym party Dr. Brown comes from, it is his actions that count. It is these early days that will show us what type of leadership he brings. Here are some topics I’d love to see tackled from the start:

• Violence. It looks as though another person was lost to violence this week in Bermuda. There were more machete attacks making news. More victims and more families having to pick up the pieces. Rather than coast along saying that Bermuda is a completely safe place, decisive action is needed to make it so. Part of that action needs to be tackling the dreadful scourge of domestic violence.
• Finance and reporting. It has been hard to trust a government that has seemed to have so little transparency on expenditure and so little accountability. Increased openness and increased fiscal responsibility will win a lot of respect – even when it means sometimes you have to give us the bad news too. Help us to trust you.
• Housing. We all know there are plenty of easy excuses and people to blame. That doesn’t really get us anywhere though, as we’ve seen over the last few years. Put housing expenditure ahead of most capital projects and the cricket team (even if you like the game, it isn’t much fun to watch when you’re worrying about not having anywhere to sleep). Put someone very good in charge of housing. Work hand-in-hand with the opposition on it perhaps – the need goes way beyond party lines and that other lot might have some useful contributions too.
• Education. The problems that exist won’t be resolved by a shiny new school, even if the roof is fixed. In the UK there are a group of head teachers that are well-known for fixing poorly performing schools (I think the media call them ‘superheads’ or something). Recruit a couple of these people at whatever cost and give them every bit of support they need to deal with the politics and in-fighting. Have them involved in succession planning so they can groom the best of Bermudians to take over – the sharing of skills could make a remarkable difference.
• The New Hospital. Man, I don’t envy anyone inheriting that headache. There has to be a better way than using the Botanical Gardens. Even if it costs more, it is probably worth it not to lose all that sponsorship. Good luck.
• Race. Lead by example. Show that you value people regardless of who they do or don’t look or sound like. Be patient with questioners and give them the benefit of the doubt rather than judge them to be asking plantation questions. Your example of answering patiently will set the right tone and also defuse any who were motivated by less than positive intentions.
• Immigration. At the moment, it seems nobody is winning and poorly managed immigration policies serve to inflame feelings on all sides. You can’t please everyone on this but by putting in place clear policies and having them administered efficiently, it should help. Ensure that people using their position to express their dislike of foreigners have no place in your organization. Have a reasonable appeal process. Crackdown on bad employers exploiting foreign and Bermudian workers.

I recognize fixing these issues is easier said than done. However, tough and fair leadership can go a long way towards improving the situation of everyone in Bermuda. Tackling these key difficulties vigorously and effectively will win over the most doubtful of our community. Please Dr. Brown, exceed our expectations and make us proud. Even if it doesn’t make for good Bermuda Sucks copy.

Change in the weather

The weather officially sucks here today. Not only did I switch to pants for the first time this year, but I had to put on my boots to keep warm against the prevailing North wind.

Lies, Damned Lies & Independence*

A public meeting on the subject of independence yesterday gave little insight into the island’s direction. Aimed at education and getting accurate feedback from the public, the gathering’s informal poll showed that:

• 21% of attendees supported independence
• 35% were against independence
• 23% were confused expats thinking they were attending a screening of The Sound of Music
• 39% don’t know if they would support independence
• 7% couldn’t remember what that nice young man at the seniors’ club paid them to say
• The statistician can’t correctly calculate percentages

Speaking in favour of independence, Corporal Barmy said that it would “Allow the island to govern its own destiny and rid itself of people who take our parking spaces.” He also pointed out that the government would be able to suspend citizenship of undesirables such as the opposition, before giving a spooky laugh like the ones used by the baddies in Scooby Doo. It is believed that Hollywood is now courting the Corporal for an upcoming role in another Batman sequel.

Speaking against independence, Gerald Furby, a retired administrator with too much time on his hands, said that it was important that Bermuda retain its links with the UK because otherwise that nice Prince Andrew won’t visit any more. He also pointed out that under the current system he has the right to work as a dancer in the Moulin Rouge and that right would be lost in an independent Bermuda.

Expat Ralph Fleissige announced he had a telegraph for Herr Dettweiler. The recipient could not be found and was rumoured to be in Vienna with the Baroness. On the question of how to solve a problem like Maria, Corporal Barmy suggested she be deported since she clearly had no work permit.

Lashaquettilla from Paget asked what would happen to her passport if Bermuda went independent. The panel were split on this issue, with some favouring changing to a pink to match the houses and others preferring turquoise to match the sea. A compromise was proposed where passport holders can choose between those options or maybe have alternate covers to match their purses or Bermuda shorts. Lashaquettilla said that it wasn’t what she meant but that she favoured turquoise.

To the question of what would be the financial impact of retaining the status quo versus choosing independence, the corporal pointed out that “We will have complete control of your money, I mean our money, in an independent Bermuda. Many people will be better off.”

Opposition spokesperson Quietasa Mouse declared this to be false, pointing out that the earth would fall in and that Bermuda would then have to pay for its own figurehead in ridiculous uniform. Current market prices for figureheads in ridiculous uniform are high due to a surge in demand in North Korea and Luxembourg. Pressed by a persistent questioner, she also admitted that raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are indeed numbered among her very favourite things.

Due to a lack of time, the panel could not answer all questions during the meeting. Attendees were asked to write their questions down and the chairperson has promised to publish all answers along with lyrics to Edelweiss on the government website.

*Mostly fabricated but the Baroness really was last seen in Vienna with Herr Dettweiler.