New Bermuda Attraction Offers Thrills & Spills For All *

In keeping with its status as the world's leading tourism destination, Bermuda is to launch yet another exciting visitor activity. Backers say that Onion World will be a theme park that incorporates Bermuda culture with world-class rides and shows. 

Taking up the remaining bit of the Botanical Gardens not earmarked for construction under the Sustainable Disillusionment Plan, Onion World will excite Bermudians and visitors alike.

No theme park would be complete without white-knuckle rides, and Onion World is no exception.

The Front Street Peugeot-Coaster will have you clinging on as you embark on an awesome thrill-ride experience featuring 600 metres of adrenalin-pumping spins, loops, swerves and dives on a moped-shaped ride.

Not for the faint-hearted, Wild Pembroke Falls is an action-packed adventure featuring half a million gallons of roaring waterfalls. You board the fast ferry in calm conditions before hurtling down a 20 metre, 50 miles an hour, heart-stopping splashdown in a replica of the new Berkeley School gym.

The Triangle of Terror is a high-tech simulation ride that will have you clinging to your seat as you brave an out-of-control pink number 7 bus on South Shore Road. This ride is not suitable for those suffering motion-sickness. Tokens required - these must be purchased at various inconvenient points around the theme park.

The Swizzle Escape is only for the bravest of thrill-seekers. Faced with marauding, machete-wielding crack dealers, your only way out is to board a 90 miles an hour rollercoaster that winds through seven corkscrews and four 360 degree loops, dangling you upside-down before a final descent that has you plummeting fifty yards in just seconds. This ride will leave you feeling well and truly swizzled.

The Haunted Mansion brings spooks galore, as you are pursued though a multi-million dollar residence pursued by Jennifer, the ghost of Premiers past. The lights fail and you will be plunged into darkness before being hurtled through a creepy luxury mansion populated by ghouls and other awful beings. Ride it if you dare!

The W&E Wall Show is a crazy, slapstick 'n' stunts performance featuring those wacky guys and gals from Works & Engineering. How many of them will it take to build a wall? And would you dare to sit on it afterwards? Mayhem galore as they attempt to paint a pedestrian crossing by the school on Berkeley Road. Audience participation makes this an unforgettable experience.

And of course, don't forget to stop to watch our parade of lovable Onion World characters including Cranky Customs Guy, Barmy the Bus Driver, Princess Insanity of Immigrationland and cute old Ian Titlement.

Onion World will open on March 27th, four years late and 73 million dollars over budget.

* Complete and utter fabrication... no chance of getting a theme park any time soon.

Comments

[Rummy]

Again you crazy moron, you have hit the nail on the head. CBS,NBC,ABC,CNN,FOX, have nothing on you.

Thanks for bringing too our attention, things we take for granted and don't want too talk about.

My hat is off too you, and your fellow explats, yes explats that have made us what we are.

We need a new Governor and may he come from whereever you live in Onion Land and lead us to ..................

Rummy.

.............just for you...............!!!!!!!

PS. Ps. PMS, 'aint that many bad apples, eef u gatt myhy dreeft.

[Mike]

Thanks Rummie. Good work on escaping from rehab. ;-)

[somebody]

Laughed out loud at work at the Front Street Peugeot-Coaster...that's awesome!

[Reality]

Course, there's always the bumper cars.