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New Bermuda Attraction Offers Thrills & Spills For All *

In keeping with its status as the world's leading tourism destination, Bermuda is to launch yet another exciting visitor activity. Backers say that Onion World will be a theme park that incorporates Bermuda culture with world-class rides and shows. 

Taking up the remaining bit of the Botanical Gardens not earmarked for construction under the Sustainable Disillusionment Plan, Onion World will excite Bermudians and visitors alike.

No theme park would be complete without white-knuckle rides, and Onion World is no exception.

The Front Street Peugeot-Coaster will have you clinging on as you embark on an awesome thrill-ride experience featuring 600 metres of adrenalin-pumping spins, loops, swerves and dives on a moped-shaped ride.

Not for the faint-hearted, Wild Pembroke Falls is an action-packed adventure featuring half a million gallons of roaring waterfalls. You board the fast ferry in calm conditions before hurtling down a 20 metre, 50 miles an hour, heart-stopping splashdown in a replica of the new Berkeley School gym.

The Triangle of Terror is a high-tech simulation ride that will have you clinging to your seat as you brave an out-of-control pink number 7 bus on South Shore Road. This ride is not suitable for those suffering motion-sickness. Tokens required - these must be purchased at various inconvenient points around the theme park.

The Swizzle Escape is only for the bravest of thrill-seekers. Faced with marauding, machete-wielding crack dealers, your only way out is to board a 90 miles an hour rollercoaster that winds through seven corkscrews and four 360 degree loops, dangling you upside-down before a final descent that has you plummeting fifty yards in just seconds. This ride will leave you feeling well and truly swizzled.

The Haunted Mansion brings spooks galore, as you are pursued though a multi-million dollar residence pursued by Jennifer, the ghost of Premiers past. The lights fail and you will be plunged into darkness before being hurtled through a creepy luxury mansion populated by ghouls and other awful beings. Ride it if you dare!

The W&E Wall Show is a crazy, slapstick 'n' stunts performance featuring those wacky guys and gals from Works & Engineering. How many of them will it take to build a wall? And would you dare to sit on it afterwards? Mayhem galore as they attempt to paint a pedestrian crossing by the school on Berkeley Road. Audience participation makes this an unforgettable experience.

And of course, don't forget to stop to watch our parade of lovable Onion World characters including Cranky Customs Guy, Barmy the Bus Driver, Princess Insanity of Immigrationland and cute old Ian Titlement.

Onion World will open on March 27th, four years late and 73 million dollars over budget.

* Complete and utter fabrication... no chance of getting a theme park any time soon.

Decrease all Ex-pat Population

This laser printed sign was taped to the wall of the new condo construction site on Dundonald and Cedar Avenue. I think it speaks for itself.

That Was The Year That Wasn’t *

Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us… Yes, that’s right, Bermuda Sucks is celebrating a year of rants, raves and ramblings (with a bit of wisdom thrown in for good measure).

To mark the occasion, and to save you from having to bother reading any newspapers, we’ve compiled a handy review of the most significant occurrences of the past 12 months.

August 05

• The heat of the Bermuda summer was alleviated by a group of Cedarbridge students when they took part in a sponsored wall-sit to raise money for an air-conditioner. Money originally earmarked for the machines had been diverted to emergency mansion funds.

• Bermuda’s most notorious website made its first appearance.

September 05

• Bermuda Sucks guy targeted by dog poop gangs.
• Lindo’s offered Movenpick ice cream at the bargain price of $31.89.
• Government expressed concern over an outbreak of good service when a Paget woman was fined $3000 and sentenced to 4 months in jail for smiling at a customer who didn’t say good morning. She has been ordered to undertake a rehabilitation programme.

• Bermuda hosted the world machete throwing championships.

October 05

• A rise in milk prices triggered a wave of grocery-muggings. Locals were advised not to openly carry milk cartons so that the thugs target expats and tourists instead.

• Bermuda’s latest tourism slogan was unveiled. Learning the lesson from previous racy ‘Feel the Love’ campaigns, Bermuda decided on a more wholesome approach. Tourists were urged to ‘Feel the Appropriate Level of Antipathy’ instead.

November 05

• Mass hysteria gripped guest workers. Absolutely nothing to do with the announcement (again) that Bermuda is a technically advanced nation.
• CableVision’s request to transmit Playboy channel rejected on the grounds it might encourage fornication.

• Bermuda ranked 2^nd in international teen pregnancy rates and 1^st in TV viewing.

December 05

• Corporal Barmy Bunch denied sexism in row over “women should be barefoot, pregnant and on their knees” speech on Tepid FM.
• E. Wart Beige denied that investing in Cuban and Antiguan resorts was a conflict of interest.
• Santa was banned after immigration revealed that his work permit was denied. His employer had failed to post the required ads in the Regal Garotte Situations Vacant column.

January 06

• Another tourism campaign was launched to attract visitors from Eritrea and Laos.
• Another $170 million of funding was given to cricketers in an attempt to help them beat anyone except Canada.

• Berkeley School project was $900 million over budget so far.

February 06

• P showed his statesman-like qualities with State of the Nation speech: “I’m the king of the castle, you’re a dirty rascal.”
• Works & Engineering completed the building of a new wall. The 3 feet high, 20 feet long erection has been likened to the Great Wall of China and Hadrian’s Wall. It took 23 men 2 years to build at a cost of just $29 million. The wall is to form the centerpiece of Bermuda’s new tourism campaign, ‘Feel the Wall.’

March 06

• On advice from other world leaders, P declares war on the Faeroe Islands to divert attention from government failures.
• Another $29 million is allocated to cricket training and facilities.
• Man given 1 month suspended sentence for brutally beating his wife because it was the bitch’s fault for speaking with another man.

April 06

• Bermuda launches new tourism campaign, ‘Feel the Insanity.’

• Cricket funding receives much needed $9 million boost.

• Vuitton bag sales up 79% after mentions on Bermuda Sucks.

May 06

• The Regal Garotte managed an entire story without a single spelling or grammar mistake. The single paragraph article about a shoplifting conviction has won the inaugural News Report of the Year award.

• Canada beats Bermuda in cricket by an innings and 799 runs.

• Sybil, Queen of Bermuda, attracted admirers at the Bermuda Day parade. At least two MPs gave her their numbers in the hope of a date. She rejected them on fashion grounds. A campaign began to elect Sybil to lead the baton twirlers next year.

June 06

• It is discovered that the entire Australian cricket team would cost less than funding in Bermuda. P texts Shane Warne with an offer but a Crackberry malfunction broadcasts his message to the Queen instead. She politely declines his invitation to spank those Canucks with a bit of ball tampering.
• New tourism campaign urges visitors to ‘Feel the Entitlement.’
• MPs’ salaries increased by 66% and work hours cut by 75%.
• $90 million put aside for urgent mansion upgrades.

July 06

• Bermuda demonstrated its advanced technology infrastructure by introducing 33 Kbps dial up. An introductory price of $129 a month was available to people who look like the ISP.

• A cellphone user successfully sent an SMS message overseas. Cingularly Useless have promised to fix the loophole to avoid future international texting.
• $800 million goes missing from government coffers. They are able to account for where they misdirected the rest.

August 06

• 7 Royal Garotte journalists cited for asking plantation questions. One even had the nerve to ask where the bathroom is, causing untold offence to Minister Delayed Butler.
• As part of the sustainable development plan, it is announced that the new hospital will be built in the middle of the Botanical Gardens. Cabinet start to plan their retirement.
• Bermuda Sucks celebrated a year of mischief, mayhem and campaigning.

* beware, some of these stories are actually true.