BermudaSucks.com ... the inside scoop.: Insurgent Rum Attacks Leave Bermuda On The Brink *

(August 19^th, Disassociated Press)

Disaster struck the small British dependency Bermuda late Saturday when insurgents disabled critical infrastructure including the Pickled Poser, Threshcos, Square Root, Goslings warehouse and M.R. Turnips. A state of emergency has been declared.

Initially assumed to be the result of just another Belco screwup, the fires, explosions and rum thefts have now, say police, been claimed by a rogue band of accountants known as Al-Cassava.

The attacks have left Bermuda dangerously short of critical rum supplies, making the tiny nation vulnerable to civil unrest and substandard liquor.

As early shoppers queued overnight to lay their hands on the Supermarketplace’s last remaining bottles of the black stuff, staff raced to stock the shelves with newly marked-up bottles at the special price of $799.99. The policy of taking customers’ first-borns as security backfired when several parents refused to reclaim their kids.

“So far we have seen chaos, disorder and random machete attacks,” said police spokesman Ron Fullarest, “But if the rum supply is not restored, we expect to notice some downturn in usual behaviour.”

Al-Cassava claimed responsibility for the attacks in a note passed to the Regal Garotte newspaper. The group’s demands are said to include increased moped parking, a reduction in milk prices and SMS messaging that works more than 1 day in 5. They are also rumoured to have asked for broadband that is faster than other countries’ dial-up and costs less than the GDP of Costa Rica (which is a heck of a lot of bananas).

“By hitting rum supplies, this group is targeting the very heart of our society,” said government spokesman Ian Competent. “Our response must be swift and decisive: we will be implementing a range of more stringent controls on expats, accountants and other undesirables. In the long term, though, the answer must be independence and greater investment in cricket and P’s mansion.”

The spokesman said that the government does not plan to encourage reasonable milk prices, fast internet or accessible moped parking. “That would be giving in to the insurgents’ demands, and we don’t do deals with expats.”

* It’s OK, we made it up, there is no shortage. But maybe you’d better buy an extra bottle or two, just in case ;-)