Saturday’s Easter speech has been dubbed the ‘Age of Entitlement’ address by commentators excited about Beermusa’s leadership in pointless monologues.
Breaking a world record for use of the word ‘entitlement’ in a sentence, the emperor attributed his success to a complete lack of punctuation by his Berkeley-educated speechwriter.
“Commas are an elitist symbol of people who don’t look like me, and I have the entitlement to rabble for hours about entitlement without drawing breath,” said the emperor.
The speechwriter, Dillard Furpants, didn’t know what to write so he just made it up at random by using darts and a dictionary. He sold it to the Emperor by complimenting him on his stylish facial hair.
The Emperor’s flunkies couldn’t see any ideas either, but none of them wanted to look stupid, and definitely, nobody wanted to upset him. So they all complimented his astute speech selection and admired his entitlement ratio.
The Easter address out-bullshitted previous nonsense benchmarks such as the 2004 State of the Nation address by President Shrub, a diatribe that only featured a technical difficulty rating of 7.8 and an overall score of 45.1. In an audacious effort, the Emperor managed to introduce new moves such as the social-agenda sidestep to blitz previous efforts and achieve 45.5 and snatch the world record.
Highlights of the address included punching the air every time he said “entitlement” and dismissing the opposition as “that bunch of people already lined their pockets.” The Emperor also gave a protracted sermon about Beermusa’s future as a smart nation, without offering a single reason why this is likely to occur or what it involves.
In a marathon effort, the Emperor spoke for more than seven hours without uttering a single intelligible sentence. He achieved multiple use of buzzwords such as leverage, best-of-breed, state-of-the-art, utilize, participation and empowerment. He finished with a previously never attempted triple entitlement, a feat wasted on much of an audience already so overwhelmed they had ceased to remain conscious.
In a shocking incident, one member of the audience stayed awake with the aid of copious Red Bull, only to accuse the address of containing not a single idea. He was quickly run out of town, as befitting an expat daring to speak up. He should’ve ranted on Bermuda Sucks instead.
Soon, though, some other people started to notice that the Emperor had no ideas. But that didn’t matter because it is not the Emperor’s job to listen to people anyway. Unlike in the original fairytale, he was not in the least embarrassed.
The Emperor’s speech has been validated by Guinness Book of Records officials and will appear in the next edition both for its use of entitlement 781 times and for its world-beating bullshit rating.
And they all lived in fantasy ever after.
I enjoyed that Mike.
Posted by: Terrycloth | Apr 18, 2006 at 09:25 AM
Mike, what a fabulous job of creating reality. I just pray, no-one give him a Fidel. Superb.
Posted by: Boo Boo | Apr 18, 2006 at 03:56 PM
Hi... eagerly awaiting your next article. Just because we're too scared to comment doesn't mean that you're not putting out the raddest blog articles on the planet!
Keep up the good work!
Ps. Any chance of an article with a taxi driver slant? (perhaps inviting people to share their own experiences?).
Posted by: Roger | May 29, 2006 at 01:42 PM
Watch this space - taxi drivers may appear sometime. Meanwhile, don't be afraid to post on the forum - you don't even have to give your own email address. If you do a search, I think there's further advice on this somewhere on the forum from Mike.
And of course, we're looking forward to hearing your taxi driver - and other - experiences :-)
Posted by: Reality | May 31, 2006 at 06:21 PM