While we may often complain, we are fortunate in Bermuda to have a friendlier and more efficient immigration service than in some places. Minutes from an immigration meeting in a parallel universe have come into our possession at bermudasucks.com and we’re happy to share them in order to show how good we have it here.
Rockland Parallel Universe Department of Immigration
Weekly Board Meeting Minutes
Date: 8th October, 2105
Time: 2.00 pm
Location: Ariel Skies Beach Club, Rockland Parallel Universe
Present: Marshall Manners (Magic 8 Ball), Mystic Mega Lomaniac (Astrology), Harold Trumpet (Coin Flipping Consultant), Farmer Jones (Short Straw Manager), Latte Plebb (Image Consultant), Danilo Wallsitter (Dart Thrower), Alost Plott (Random Confused Government Employee) and Aunty Martha (Ineffective Chairperson).
Absent: Merry Blister (Parallel Universe Minister of Immigration)
AM: Thank you for coming. We have eighteen applications to hear today.. We must
MM: You forgot to say good afternoon.
AM: My apologies – good afternoon. Its important that we give each application a fair, um um consideration based on
LP: Yeah yeah. Bunch of Earth people coming here to take our jobs. They don’t look like us, they don’t…
MM, MML, HT, FJ, DW: Sound like us, we know.
AP: Um um, anyone have a light?
AM: Government offices are non-smoking facilities.
FJ: I’ll give you a light if you give me a toke.
DT: Share and share alike.
MML: Lets get on with it, I want to be at the Spinning Wheel by four.
HT: OK, who’s up first?
AM: Earth human called Albert Einstein, applying for a work permit as a teacher.
LP: Does he look like us?
MML: Earth humans never look like us. They’re all dull colours. You know, pasty pink, beige, brown. Not a green or turquoise among them.
LP: I want to see permits given to beings that look like us.
DW: I got an um-um cousin looks like you when he’s in drag. Give him the job.
MM: But your cousin isn’t qualified. All he does is sit on craters all day selling herbal remedies. This Einstein has top teaching qualifications.
MM: Ball says ‘Maybe.’
LP: That’s no help. Harold, heads we take Einstein, tails we tale the cousin.
HT: Tails. Einstein can go back to where he came from.
AP: I’m hungry. Anyone have any chocolate?
FJ: Who’s next?
AM: Denzel Washington, permit as a drama teacher. Another earth human.
LP: Does he look..
DW: How many times. If you keep changing your antenna style, nobody’s ever going to look like you.
HT: Well, there was that Spice Girl…still think we should’ve given her a permit. She’d have been a great psychiatrist.
AM: What does this Denzel’s horoscope say?
MML: The moon In Venus means he’s going to experience a career setback.
AM: OK, approved. Next, renewal for Jean-Paul Gaultier, space suit maker.
DW: Is he the one that put the pointy earth bosoms on the females? I um um liked them.
LP: Yes. He’s a disgrace. Claimed that the government is not perfect and that there are better craters on Jupiter.
MM: Yes but we have no Parallel Universe beings qualified to do the job.
AM: My aunty needs more money to pay for her third condo. Declined.
MML: How many more to go? Happy hour finishes at five.
MM: Happy hour, why didn’t you say?
AM: OK, Marshall, what does the magic 8 ball say for Bill Gates, IT consultant?
MM: Oh, that’s not right… it says ‘program not responding.’ Don’t know what that means. But he does kinda look like us.
AM: We’ll take it as a yes then. Danilo, throw a dart for dart for um um Alex Scott, street sweeper. Quickly now.
LP: Street sweeper… can’t we get a Parallel Universe being to do that?
AM: Ho, they all want to be working in intergalactic business these days.
DW: Bullseye. What’s that noise?
AM: That’s the Earth people cheering for him. He’s obviously very popular and they’re happy for him to get such a promotion. Last one now. Valentine Michael Smith, Earth’s most notorious webmaster. Farmer Jones, can you draw a straw for him?
FJ: Hey, Danilo, this is good sh*t, where d’you get it?
AM: Anyone? Quickly…
LP: Too divisive, what if he makes a paralleluniversesucks.com site? And anyway, he…
FJ, DW, MM, MML: Doesn’t look and sound like us…
AM: Rejected. Meeting adjourned. Are we still in time for happy hour?