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An Open Letter to P

CC: BermudaSucks.com, The Royal Gazette, The Bermuda Sun

Dear P,

How are things? Haven’t seen much of you in the news lately, so I guess you must be busy helping Paula with the budget or something. Well, that must be quite a task, dividing up the dollars between cricket and home renovations. You know, there are some neat financial planning programmes you can put on a pda, not sure if they work on Blackberry devices though.

Still, if I may interrupt, I have a few things I’d like to ask about, if you’re not too busy. I reckon a lot of people share these questions. Like, I saw that the DPP is reviewing the Rebecca Middleton case. I really hope that goes somewhere. After close to ten years, I hope her parents get some kind of justice and closure. Have you been in touch with them? What I would really like to know about this is what has government done about improving the judiciary system to ensure that this never, ever, ever happens again. Has there been any major overhaul of the system? Or improved training for those involved? Has the cause of the screw-ups been identified?

On a related topic, what on earth are you going to do to sort out sentencing in the courts? It all seems to be haywire to me. I bet you read the Royal Gazette and Bermuda Sucks too, so you must have noticed that sentencing seems to be, well, lets say inconsistent. Back in the day, the dude that did get convicted over Rebecca’s attack got 5 years in jail. He is still in jail because of a much longer sentence for armed robbery. It was before your time as Premier I know, but maybe you can explain why the armed robbery attracted a much longer sentence? The dude that wasn’t convicted because of those screw-ups did get a year for stabbing a woman. A year. Twelve months.

You see, P, I’m a woman and this concerns me too. Heck, it concerns most of the blokes I know. More recently (and within your time as Premier) we have seen a man who sexually assaulted children over a period of time get a mere sixteen month sentence for destroying their lives and family. We’ve seen men who brutally attack their wives get lighter sentences than people with not enough weed to get high. Others have escaped conviction altogether. Do the sentencing judges have no guidelines, bad guidelines, or do they just not apply them? I’m sure that behind the scenes you must be working really hard to put this right, but how about blowing your own trumpet and telling us exactly what measures you are taking to improve the Bermuda legal system?

Good luck with the cricket. And while you’re balancing that budget, I know you’ll be remembering to include a much-increased amount for the Women’s Resource Centre and for victims of child abuse, even if they are less important than the world cup and your nice cornices.

Yours sincerely,

Aj Baker

PARK ANYWHERE

Just go ahead and block the grocery store's sidewalk ramp, and park on the double yellow line. Who cares if you inconvenience everyone, you are Entitled!

MISSING GUEST WORKER FOUND AFTER SEVEN YEARS*

The fate of missing guest worker Marc Ferguson, an actuary from Nova Scotia, has long been one of the Bermuda Triangle’s greatest mysteries. He left his home in the small town of Frigid, 43 kilometres from Halifax, on February 19^th, 1999 to travel to a new life working for Bermuda-based Fraudulent Re. Ferguson was listed as having boarded the plane, but that was the last time he was seen alive – until now.

"We sent a representative to the airport, but assumed he must have missed us and made his own way to his accommodation," said Fraudulent spokesperson Marsha Fruitbat. "When he failed to report to work, we were annoyed, but assumed he was just another lazy, unreliable expat."

It was only when Ferguson’s family, concerned at his lack of response to phone calls and emails, contacted the company that they realized he may have met with foul play. Worried at the possibility of a lawsuit, they contacted police.

"Ferguson had passed through Bermuda immigration on February 21st in the fast-track lane," confirmed Bermuda Police Detective Asafa Romelbow. "After that, the trail went cold."

And cold it stayed, in spite of intensive investigations including asking around among the taxi drivers and at the Swizzle Inn. Ferguson had, quite simply, disappeared. Months passed, and there was no sign of the Canadian. His bank records showed no activity, his phone was unused and his employers hired another expat from the production line.

As months and then years went by, Ferguson’s family were forced to concede that it was unlikely they would see him again. While they never completely gave up hope, they began to adjust to life without him.

That all changed this week when, out of the blue, Ferguson appeared at the arrivals door of the airport looking dazed and tired. After almost seven years, the mystery was solved and the Ferguson family’s wait was over.

Speaking exclusively to BermudaSucks.com, Ferguson told us that he had been waiting in line at customs all this time. "They sent me to one line, then told me I had filled the forms out incorrectly, so I had to repeat the process. Then they went on strike, and told me to wait until they came back. My cases were searched, and it was decided that I should pay additional duty for a piece of toilet paper that had attached itself to my shoe in the aeroplane bathroom, so I was sent back to that line again. By that time, though, another BA flight had arrived and I had a long wait."

Next, Ferguson got in line and was searched again, this time by a different customs official, who informed him that the forms he’d filled out with guidance from her colleague were incorrect. Furthermore, he hadn’t declared or paid duty on his underpants. Returning to the cashier line, he waited behind arrivals from New York and Boston. This process continued, with the guest-worker moving from line to line and paying additional duty on further items. He was unable, however, to provide receipts for his socks and shirt, and this proved to be another sticking point. "I was told, no receipt, no customs clearance."

During his wait, Ferguson tried to call his family and employer for assistance. "Unfortunately, I was connected to Singularly Hopeless international roaming, so I was unable to get a signal and my text messages failed." Ferguson did, however, use his time in line at customs productively. He married a Brazilian guest worker, learned to speak Portuguese, fathered three children, wrote a novel and mastered the clarinet.

On finally clearing customs this week by abandoning his possessions, Ferguson was interviewed by police before being checked by a doctor from KEMH. He was said to be suffering no ill-effects, having survived on scraps fed to him by BA stewards.

Ferguson has since been deported for overstaying his visa and taking gainful employment not included on his work permit.

*sure, we invented the whole story.

LITTER CONUNDRUM

OK. This doesn't really suck. It is weird though. The can with the arrow, is totally screened off. What all about that?

REPLACEMENT SOUGHT OVERSEAS AS BARNES RETIRES

It had to happen. After many years of greeting morning commuters and acting as the spirit of Bermuda, Johnny Barnes is to retire, and the search is on for his replacement. Yet, after numerous advertisements in the Royal Bazookas, no Bermudian has expressed an interest, and recruiters are having to look to overseas talent to fill the role.

While Barnes has voluntarily stationed himself at the roundabout every day, the tourism department has recognized that expecting anyone to do something for nothing these days is unrealistic, so it has created a small salary for the post. However, it seems that the prospect of standing outside daily, even when it is raining, is not very tempting. In addition, the skill of smiling constantly at passers-by, including those who don’t say good morning, is one not readily available on the island.

"In this day and age, old-fashioned skills such as smiling at everyone are hard to find in Bermuda. We no longer train our youngsters in this dying art, choosing instead to educate them in more relevant subjects such as extorting money renting substandard properties," confirmed spokesperson Pink Be-aches. "We will have to conduct a search for suitably qualified guest-workers. Ms Be-aches denied that Barnes must be smoking some good shit to smile that much, saying that you can’t get seriously good weed in Bermuda and have to rely on overpriced, poor quality product.

An educashun spokesperson defended their methods, pointing out that children in the public educashun system learn to multi-task. "Many graduate able to chew gum, conduct personal phone calls and ignore rude customers all at once. Smiling is not a necessary skill in the service industry."

The search is being conducted in countries such as Thailand, Canada, South Africa and Guatemala for someone able to smile in all weathers. The UK has been ruled out as a recruiting ground, since people there don’t seem to smile very much.

In related news, the tourism commission in New York has come under fire from consumers alleging false advertising. Complainants Marjorie-Jo Williamsburg and husband Mortimer say that commercials and brochures using the image of Johnny Barnes portray a destination filled with friendly smiling locals. "The only person who smiled at us was the customs inspector tearing apart our personal belongings in a search for undeclared toiletries. And that was only a scary smile when he put the rubber gloves on," said Mrs Williamsburg.

UNPAINTED SCHOOL CROSSWALK

They repaved the road two weeks ago, and managed to get a crooked centre line on in a few days, but the School crosswalk remains unpainted.

Also, note the second light is not working either.

But hey, its just the safety of the children - does another one need to get run down before Works & Engineering figures out this is important?

CLONING THE SOLUTION TO POPULATION CRISIS SAYS P*†

With concerns over caring for an aging population high on the agenda thanks to some crazed rambling on a quiet news day, the government has been exploring solutions to a looming crisis. After much debate at the Pickled Onion last night, it has been decided that the answer lies in technology.

“While we will continue to promote other more normal methods of population growth, such as teen pregnancies, the solution to our population crisis clearly lies in cloning,” said P. “This way, we don’t have to rely on nature taking its course and can guarantee a population that looks and sounds like us.”

Using funding diverted from less critical programmes such as the Salvation Army and the Women’s Resource Centre, Bermuda is to hire leading scientists from Edinburgh University, home of Dolly the Sheep. While it has not been announced who is to be cloned, it is believed that the shortlist is headed by P, Corporal Dutch Elm and members of the Bermuda cricket team. Females to be included on the list are Dame Loony and the grumpy cashier from the Phoenix Stores.

Edinburgh University spokesperson Rory Macarthur said that this was the first request of its kind. “We have never been asked to clone a politician or a cricketer before. Usually the requests are for people of great intelligence, fine athletes or Pamela Anderson.”

Commenting on plans to have an infrastructure that can support the clones, P said that expat housing will be used, with the foreign devils being moved into the old Berkeley School. Education will not be a problem: “We anticipate having the new Berkeley School ready in time for the first clones to enter the education system in 2012.”

Sites under consideration for a cloning laboratory include the old Club Med and the former US military base in St. Davids.

Government blames the need for cloning on guest workers.

*You’ll be glad to know that this one is completely untrue. Imagine all those Corporal Dutch Elm and P babies running around.

† It is untrue, isn’t it?

MILK: $4 / PER HALF GALLON

At this price, is it any wonder osteoporosis is so common here? If you think this is an expensive way to get your dairy, wait until you see the price of yogurt.

To our international visitors, how much is regular, whole milk in your supermarket?

‘P’ HAS CONFIDENCE IN BERMUDIAN BOTTOM SPACE RACE PROJECT*

Bermuda is to join the space race, sending a manned craft to land on the moon and examine the effects of gravity on black rum. Named Bermuda On The Top Of Mars (BOTTOM), the project will be Bermuda’s first planned voyage into space, with all previous attempts involving full-hot moped riders and alien abductions. BOTTOM is planned to take flight in mid 2007.

Throwing his weight behind the project, ‘P’ has made a statement confirming his confidence in the voyage. "I am so convinced that the BOTTOM exploration will be triumphant, I am even sending some of my valued parliamentary colleagues on the trip," commented the leader. It is anticipated that colleagues to be sent to Mars include transport minister Ewart Frown and former Tourism Minister HRH Princess Vidal Sassoon.

BOTTOM will be the first such expedition of any country, the US having concentrated on less weighty issues such as designing those anti-gravity pens and the like. Expertise for the project will all be Bermudian, although it is believed that the government has enquired about sending some expat media representatives to Mars, including the Bermuda Sucks guy, Limey in Bermuda and that annoying Royal Gazette writer that keeps catching them out.

Designer of the BOTTOM rocket is to be Delonte Furtrimingburt, winner of this year’s Horseshoe Bay kite-making contest. "Building a rocket employs the same principles, just on a larger scale," said Delonte. "The craft will be made from finest light wood and tissue paper in primary colours." Negotiations are being conducted with HWP for supply of engines, and it is planned these will be on the island sometime in Summer 2008.

Piloting the craft will be bus driver Wayne Brown, who says that piloting a rocket to the moon will be no challenge after guiding a big pink bus through all those damned tourists at Dockyard, "And if any of the BOTTOM passengers whine and complain like those commuters, I can just throw them out."

Putting its money where its mouth is, the government has allocated funding of $13 million. This is to cover a series of planning and training sessions at The Reefs resort, uniforms from Louis Vuitton and fuel from the Shell Station on the Causeway. Additional sponsorship from Enormous Reinsurance Ltd is paying to take government minister Corporal Birch-Bark on the BOTTOM venture. He is expected to take the role of BOTTOM pursar. Refusing to be left out, the opposition UBP party is insisting that it is represented, and intends to send Minister Dunkley along for the experience.

The name of Bermuda’s first ever spacecraft is to be decided in a public competition. Entries can be posted at www.bermudasucks.com and the winner will receive a Bermuda Sucks bumper sticker for their contribution.

*OK, we made it all up, but which of you haven’t fantasized about sending someone on a one-way ticket to Mars?

Parking on the school sidewalk

It must be great to be a member of the Entitled. Being able to park on a school sidewalk is your birth right.