Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us… Yes, that’s right, Bermuda Sucks is celebrating a year of rants, raves and ramblings (with a bit of wisdom thrown in for good measure).
To mark the occasion, and to save you from having to bother reading any newspapers, we’ve compiled a handy review of the most significant occurrences of the past 12 months.
- The heat of the Bermuda summer was alleviated by a group of Cedarbridge students when they took part in a sponsored wall-sit to raise money for an air-conditioner. Money originally earmarked for the machines had been diverted to emergency mansion funds.
Bermuda’s most notorious website made its first appearance.
- Bermuda Sucks guy targeted by dog poop gangs.
- Lindo’s offered Movenpick ice cream at the bargain price of $31.89.
- Government expressed concern over an outbreak of good service when a Paget woman was fined $3000 and sentenced to 4 months in jail for smiling at a customer who didn’t say good morning. She has been ordered to undertake a rehabilitation programme.
Bermuda hosted the world machete throwing championships.
- A rise in milk prices triggered a wave of grocery-muggings. Locals were advised not to openly carry milk cartons so that the thugs target expats and tourists instead.
Bermuda’s latest tourism slogan was unveiled. Learning the lesson from previous racy ‘Feel the Love’ campaigns, Bermuda decided on a more wholesome approach. Tourists were urged to ‘Feel the Appropriate Level of Antipathy’ instead.
- Mass hysteria gripped guest workers. Absolutely nothing to do with the announcement (again) that Bermuda is a technically advanced nation.
- CableVision’s request to transmit Playboy channel rejected on the grounds it might encourage fornication.
Bermuda ranked 2nd in international teen pregnancy rates and 1st in TV viewing.
- Corporal Barmy Bunch denied sexism in row over “women should be barefoot, pregnant and on their knees” speech on Tepid FM.
- E. Wart Beige denied that investing in Cuban and Antiguan resorts was a conflict of interest.
- Santa was banned after immigration revealed that his work permit was denied. His employer had failed to post the required ads in the Regal Garotte Situations Vacant column.
- Another tourism campaign was launched to attract visitors from Eritrea and Laos.
- Another $170 million of funding was given to cricketers in an attempt to help them beat anyone except Canada.
Berkeley School project was $900 million over budget so far.
- P showed his statesman-like qualities with State of the Nation speech: “I’m the king of the castle, you’re a dirty rascal.”
- Works & Engineering completed the building of a new wall. The 3 feet high, 20 feet long erection has been likened to the Great Wall of China and Hadrian’s Wall. It took 23 men 2 years to build at a cost of just $29 million. The wall is to form the centerpiece of Bermuda’s new tourism campaign, ‘Feel the Wall.’
- On advice from other world leaders, P declares war on the Faeroe Islands to divert attention from government failures.
- Another $29 million is allocated to cricket training and facilities.
- Man given 1 month suspended sentence for brutally beating his wife because it was the bitch’s fault for speaking with another man.
Bermuda launches new tourism campaign, ‘Feel the Insanity.’
Cricket funding receives much needed $9 million boost.
- Vuitton bag sales up 79% after mentions on Bermuda Sucks.
- The Regal Garotte managed an entire story without a single spelling or grammar mistake. The single paragraph article about a shoplifting conviction has won the inaugural News Report of the Year award.
Canada beats Bermuda in cricket by an innings and 799 runs.
- Sybil, Queen of Bermuda, attracted admirers at the Bermuda Day parade. At least two MPs gave her their numbers in the hope of a date. She rejected them on fashion grounds. A campaign began to elect Sybil to lead the baton twirlers next year.
- It is discovered that the entire Australian cricket team would cost less than funding in Bermuda. P texts Shane Warne with an offer but a Crackberry malfunction broadcasts his message to the Queen instead. She politely declines his invitation to spank those Canucks with a bit of ball tampering.
- New tourism campaign urges visitors to ‘Feel the Entitlement.’
- MPs’ salaries increased by 66% and work hours cut by 75%.
- $90 million put aside for urgent mansion upgrades.
Bermuda demonstrated its advanced technology infrastructure by introducing 33 Kbps dial up. An introductory price of $129 a month was available to people who look like the ISP.
- A cellphone user successfully sent an SMS message overseas. Cingularly Useless have promised to fix the loophole to avoid future international texting.
- $800 million goes missing from government coffers. They are able to account for where they misdirected the rest.
- 7 Royal Garotte journalists cited for asking plantation questions. One even had the nerve to ask where the bathroom is, causing untold offence to Minister Delayed Butler.
- As part of the sustainable development plan, it is announced that the new hospital will be built in the middle of the Botanical Gardens. Cabinet start to plan their retirement.
- Bermuda Sucks celebrated a year of mischief, mayhem and campaigning.
* beware, some of these stories are actually true.