A public meeting on the subject of independence yesterday gave little insight into the island’s direction. Aimed at education and getting accurate feedback from the public, the gathering’s informal poll showed that:
- 21% of attendees supported independence
- 35% were against independence
- 23% were confused expats thinking they were attending a screening of The Sound of Music
- 39% don’t know if they would support independence
- 7% couldn’t remember what that nice young man at the seniors’ club paid them to say
- The statistician can’t correctly calculate percentages
Speaking in favour of independence, Corporal Barmy said that it would “Allow the island to govern its own destiny and rid itself of people who take our parking spaces.” He also pointed out that the government would be able to suspend citizenship of undesirables such as the opposition, before giving a spooky laugh like the ones used by the baddies in Scooby Doo. It is believed that Hollywood is now courting the Corporal for an upcoming role in another Batman sequel.
Speaking against independence, Gerald Furby, a retired administrator with too much time on his hands, said that it was important that Bermuda retain its links with the UK because otherwise that nice Prince Andrew won’t visit any more. He also pointed out that under the current system he has the right to work as a dancer in the Moulin Rouge and that right would be lost in an independent Bermuda.
Expat Ralph Fleissige announced he had a telegraph for Herr Dettweiler. The recipient could not be found and was rumoured to be in Vienna with the Baroness. On the question of how to solve a problem like Maria, Corporal Barmy suggested she be deported since she clearly had no work permit.
Lashaquettilla from Paget asked what would happen to her passport if Bermuda went independent. The panel were split on this issue, with some favouring changing to a pink to match the houses and others preferring turquoise to match the sea. A compromise was proposed where passport holders can choose between those options or maybe have alternate covers to match their purses or Bermuda shorts. Lashaquettilla said that it wasn’t what she meant but that she favoured turquoise.
To the question of what would be the financial impact of retaining the status quo versus choosing independence, the corporal pointed out that “We will have complete control of your money, I mean our money, in an independent Bermuda. Many people will be better off.”
Opposition spokesperson Quietasa Mouse declared this to be false, pointing out that the earth would fall in and that Bermuda would then have to pay for its own figurehead in ridiculous uniform. Current market prices for figureheads in ridiculous uniform are high due to a surge in demand in North Korea and Luxembourg. Pressed by a persistent questioner, she also admitted that raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are indeed numbered among her very favourite things.
Due to a lack of time, the panel could not answer all questions during the meeting. Attendees were asked to write their questions down and the chairperson has promised to publish all answers along with lyrics to Edelweiss on the government website.
*Mostly fabricated but the Baroness really was last seen in Vienna with Herr Dettweiler.