That Was The Year That Wasn’t *

Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us… Yes, that’s right, Bermuda Sucks is celebrating a year of rants, raves and ramblings (with a bit of wisdom thrown in for good measure).

To mark the occasion, and to save you from having to bother reading any newspapers, we’ve compiled a handy review of the most significant occurrences of the past 12 months.

August 05

• The heat of the Bermuda summer was alleviated by a group of Cedarbridge students when they took part in a sponsored wall-sit to raise money for an air-conditioner. Money originally earmarked for the machines had been diverted to emergency mansion funds.

• Bermuda’s most notorious website made its first appearance.

September 05

• Bermuda Sucks guy targeted by dog poop gangs.
• Lindo’s offered Movenpick ice cream at the bargain price of $31.89.
• Government expressed concern over an outbreak of good service when a Paget woman was fined $3000 and sentenced to 4 months in jail for smiling at a customer who didn’t say good morning. She has been ordered to undertake a rehabilitation programme.

• Bermuda hosted the world machete throwing championships.

October 05

• A rise in milk prices triggered a wave of grocery-muggings. Locals were advised not to openly carry milk cartons so that the thugs target expats and tourists instead.

• Bermuda’s latest tourism slogan was unveiled. Learning the lesson from previous racy ‘Feel the Love’ campaigns, Bermuda decided on a more wholesome approach. Tourists were urged to ‘Feel the Appropriate Level of Antipathy’ instead.

November 05

• Mass hysteria gripped guest workers. Absolutely nothing to do with the announcement (again) that Bermuda is a technically advanced nation.
• CableVision’s request to transmit Playboy channel rejected on the grounds it might encourage fornication.

• Bermuda ranked 2^nd in international teen pregnancy rates and 1^st in TV viewing.

December 05

• Corporal Barmy Bunch denied sexism in row over “women should be barefoot, pregnant and on their knees” speech on Tepid FM.
• E. Wart Beige denied that investing in Cuban and Antiguan resorts was a conflict of interest.
• Santa was banned after immigration revealed that his work permit was denied. His employer had failed to post the required ads in the Regal Garotte Situations Vacant column.

January 06

• Another tourism campaign was launched to attract visitors from Eritrea and Laos.
• Another $170 million of funding was given to cricketers in an attempt to help them beat anyone except Canada.

• Berkeley School project was $900 million over budget so far.

February 06

• P showed his statesman-like qualities with State of the Nation speech: “I’m the king of the castle, you’re a dirty rascal.”
• Works & Engineering completed the building of a new wall. The 3 feet high, 20 feet long erection has been likened to the Great Wall of China and Hadrian’s Wall. It took 23 men 2 years to build at a cost of just $29 million. The wall is to form the centerpiece of Bermuda’s new tourism campaign, ‘Feel the Wall.’

March 06

• On advice from other world leaders, P declares war on the Faeroe Islands to divert attention from government failures.
• Another $29 million is allocated to cricket training and facilities.
• Man given 1 month suspended sentence for brutally beating his wife because it was the bitch’s fault for speaking with another man.

April 06

• Bermuda launches new tourism campaign, ‘Feel the Insanity.’

• Cricket funding receives much needed $9 million boost.

• Vuitton bag sales up 79% after mentions on Bermuda Sucks.

May 06

• The Regal Garotte managed an entire story without a single spelling or grammar mistake. The single paragraph article about a shoplifting conviction has won the inaugural News Report of the Year award.

• Canada beats Bermuda in cricket by an innings and 799 runs.

• Sybil, Queen of Bermuda, attracted admirers at the Bermuda Day parade. At least two MPs gave her their numbers in the hope of a date. She rejected them on fashion grounds. A campaign began to elect Sybil to lead the baton twirlers next year.

June 06

• It is discovered that the entire Australian cricket team would cost less than funding in Bermuda. P texts Shane Warne with an offer but a Crackberry malfunction broadcasts his message to the Queen instead. She politely declines his invitation to spank those Canucks with a bit of ball tampering.
• New tourism campaign urges visitors to ‘Feel the Entitlement.’
• MPs’ salaries increased by 66% and work hours cut by 75%.
• $90 million put aside for urgent mansion upgrades.

July 06

• Bermuda demonstrated its advanced technology infrastructure by introducing 33 Kbps dial up. An introductory price of $129 a month was available to people who look like the ISP.

• A cellphone user successfully sent an SMS message overseas. Cingularly Useless have promised to fix the loophole to avoid future international texting.
• $800 million goes missing from government coffers. They are able to account for where they misdirected the rest.

August 06

• 7 Royal Garotte journalists cited for asking plantation questions. One even had the nerve to ask where the bathroom is, causing untold offence to Minister Delayed Butler.
• As part of the sustainable development plan, it is announced that the new hospital will be built in the middle of the Botanical Gardens. Cabinet start to plan their retirement.
• Bermuda Sucks celebrated a year of mischief, mayhem and campaigning.

* beware, some of these stories are actually true.

Comments

[Phoenix]

The scary part is that all of these could just as easily be true...