This week’s recipe has been kindly supplied by the Supermarketplace on Back Street to help you use all that wonderful produce that is now available in-store.
You will need:
- 6 large mouldy tomatoes
- 1 bag shriveled carrots
- ½ pound festering grapes
- 1 bottle Black Seal rum
- 5 ounces furry cheddar
- 2 ounces New Zealand radioactive butter
- ½ chopped Bermuda Onion
- Obscenely expensive fresh herbs
- Endangered fish
- 1 rotten apple
- As much of Dunkley’s milk as you can afford
- 1 shriveled lime
Take 6 large mouldy tomatoes and chop roughly. Mix with a bag of chopped, shriveled and browning carrots and the juice of ½ pound festering grapes. Simmer on low heat for 12 minutes, adding more grape juice where required.
Drink a glass of rum.
Meanwhile, grate 5 ounces of furry cheddar cheese and combine it with 2 ounces of melted New Zealand radioactive butter (must have unrealistic use-by date in 2009 – this is how to tell it from regular butter). Add half a chopped Bermuda onion (don’t worry if he squeals a little) and some obscenely expensive fresh herbs. Mix well.
Drink another glass of rum. Make it a double.
Meantime, to the simmering mouldy tomato mix, add some of the last ever local fish and a peeled grated apple (you must not use the brown, mouldy or rotten bits – set these aside). Simmer for another 9 minutes.
Stir in as much Dunkley’s whole milk as you can afford (if you are a reinsurance executive on a 7 figure salary, why not splurge and go for a whole cup).
Forget the glass and drink some rum from the bottle.
Add the grated zest of a shriveled lime and stir well. Top with the retained apple bits. Pour the mixture into the toilet (saves washing dishes) and drink the remaining rum. Get on your bike and ride to the Swizzle Inn, where they do outstanding chicken wings. Order a Swizzle to wash it down. Bake.
Total cost (not including the chicken wings, swizzle and gas): $77.81
Next week: P contributes his recipe for humble pie. You will need to buy in advance: More rum, hallucinogenic drugs, ginger beer.
Coming soon: Corporal Dutch Elm whips up his Bitter Snowflake Surprise and Michael Dumpley treats us to his magic milkshakes.