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Etiquette Guide for Guest Workers

John Harvey, CEO of the Bermuda Hotels Association pointed out that, along with the teenage pregnancy rate, the price of tomatoes and global warming, the island’s poor customer service record is the fault of guest workers*. Apparently it is all due to ignorance of appropriate etiquette, so here are a few tips to help you get it right. While these are primarily aimed at the hospitality industry, they can apply to any customer-facing role:

It is the customer’s duty to say "good morning" first. If they neglect this duty, continue to ignore them for as long as it takes for them to get the message. Some customers require a lot of this training. I know it’s hard sometimes but if you give in, they’ll start to expect service everywhere they go and then what will happen?

• When a customer approaches, ignore them.
• The customer must only wish you a good morning and approach when you have signaled that they may do so. This should be done with a brief upward nod of the head and, for advanced practitioners, a glare or scowl.
• Once the customer approaches, look at them carefully to determine if they look like you, the Premier, Angelina Jolie or the Incredible Hulk. For these customers, you may drop the glare.
• Ensure that all necessary tasks have been concluded before you give the customer your attention. These could include: filing your nails; talking to your co-workers; taking phone calls from your ace boy/girl; debating whether Shakisha in accounts has the fattest arse in the island; educating all within earshot about the medical condition of the previous customer; and taking your lunch break.
• Repeat the glare frequently.
• Process the customer slowly. If they wanted quicker service, they’d go to Thailand or Jamaica.
• It is important to check if the customer is concentrating. In a hotel, this could be done by charging them for 9 nights instead of 3. In shops or restaurants, perhaps simply adding random items they have not purchased or overcharging by 40%.
• Speaking to the customer is unnecessary unless it is your aunty.
• You can also speak to the customer occasionally if you need to point out the error of their ways. Some are dumb enough not to learn from your glares.
• The customer is always wrong and it is your job to point this out.

By following these simple rules, you can offer the level of service that visitors to Bermuda have come to expect.

Next week: etiquette tips for bus and taxi drivers.

*Mr Harvey did not specifically comment on the cause of tomato prices, the teenage pregnancy rate and global warming – these are already accepted guest worker liabilities.

Corporal Birch-Twigg: An Apology

When the Broadcasting Standards Confusion (BSC) announced its verdict on Corporal Birch-Twigg’s now infamous “house nigger” outburst, local media were caught unawares by mention of a public apology. Fortunately, though, the folks at Tepid FM are fans of Bermuda Sucks, so they were only too happy to help when we asked for a tape of the contrite Corporal. Here’s the transcript:

(Closing bars of a song). “That was ‘Where Yo’ Bitches At,’ Tepid FM’s tune of the day. Now, speakin’ of bitches, there’s been a lot of whining by those house niggers over at the opposition headquarters about being called house niggers. Like it’s my fault they all want to be white, bye. They’re getting all upset over my use of the word ‘house.’ Anyway, normally I wouldn’t respond to the media with all their plantation questions but clearly they need a language lesson.

“The word ‘house’ is in fact enshrined in literary meaning. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that “A man builds a fine house; and now he has a master, and a task for life; he is to furnish, watch, show it, and keep it in repair, the rest of his days.” And The Animals recorded a song called House of the Rising Sun. As former Manchester United player Eric Cantona once said, "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think that sardines will be thrown into the sea" I think that clarifies why it is the fault of guest workers, the opposition and all those homosexuals.

“Clearly I am not in any way racist. Sometimes I am going to say things that people don’t like and they are going to jump on that accusation because they know I’m right, they’re not, nah nah nah nah nah, so there.

Now here’s our next song, ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale.’ (muffled noise and some bleeps). Those dumbass voters should go for all that literary crap, eh bye? Not like they’re going to vote for a bunch of people who don’t even WANT to look like me.  And at least all this stops them noticing that the only housing we’ve completed is P’s mansion. What? What’s that about the microphone? Its still on? Whaddya mean did I hit the wrong switch? That’s a plantation question.

Black Box Unveils Secrets of Shipping Incident*

While others speculate about the cause of the mishap that caused the Danish Tiara to go aground yesterday, Bermuda Sucks has an exclusive transcript from the ship’s black box. Just like the more familiar aviation devices, a shipping black box records all conversation at the controls of the vessel.

Ship: Danish Tiara

Date: 7 June 2006

Time: 08.25

Location: The Bermuda Triangle

Conditions: Dark & stormy

Transcript

Captain Sven: Hi, you must be the local pilot, welcome.

Long silence.

Captain Sven: Hello, hej, you speak English, yes?

Silence.

Local Pilot (muttered): He hasn’t said good mornin. He gotta say it first, he’s the forner.

Captain Sven: God morgen…

Local Pilot: Morgan… like Captain Morgan’s rum? Don’t mind if I do.

Captain Sven: No, it is Danish for good morning. Now, I should tell you a little about the Tiara, her controls are a little bit diff… no, please don’t touch that! As I was saying, she is a little bit..

LP: Eh bye, it’s all good, I done this before, I know what I’m doing.

CS: OK, but as I said, the Tiara is a new ship and she’s a..

LP: I know, a bit different. Don’t worry bye, we’ll have you in front of a swizzle before you can say Goslings. Hey, what does this button do?

CS: No! Don’t touch that! That’s the..

LP: Cooool! You can see the aerobics class from here… check out da longtail in de blue spandex…. Mmmmm mmmmm! Dis a great spot for webbin!

CS: Yes but before you take control I must show you….

LP: No problem, I’ve been riding a scooter since I was 12, and I finished the probation for that. (Pause) Oh yeah, baby, jumping jacks, yeah…

Tugboat Captain: Good morning Danish Tiara, this is Bermuda tugboat Lustful. It’s a little choppy out there so we’re going to help guide you in.

LP: Wesley, dat you bye? Zapnin?

Tugboat Captain: Yeah, this is Wesley, who’s that?

LP: Is Tarnell, bye… I know your aunty. How’s she doing?

CS: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but aren’t we getting a bit close to that rock?

LP: No problem bye, we got plenty of room, I came here on a jetski last weekend…. Yeah bye, aunty’s doing fine. Her diabetes been playing up and she had some constipation problems but its all good now.

Tugboat Captain: Good to know. Figs and cassava pie, tell her. Shifts it every time.

LP: Hey, what happens if I pull this lever? OK, OK, I’m just messin with ya captain.

CS: Shouldn’t we be the other side of that market? Red right return as you English speakers like to say…

LP: No bye, not here, dis is Bermuda. We gotta go past the pink house, take a left by Spanish Point… or was that right, I’m not good with my left and right.. Wesley, is it left past the pink house or right?

Tugboat Captain: No, bye, it’s straight ahead past de pink house, up de channel, past de markers, wait for de tugs…

LP: Got it, past de pink house, past de markers… hey Captain, can you get them to do more of those stretches? And a bit of jogging..?

CS: Never mind that, are you sure we are on the right path? I can see the bottom there.

LP: Don't worry bye, we’ve got plenty of..

Loud scraping sound

LP: Wesley! I thought you said left at the pink house, bye!

CS: My ship! My beautiful ship!

* Pure fiction and bears no relation to real life events in the real world.