While others speculate about the cause of the mishap that caused the Danish Tiara to go aground yesterday, Bermuda Sucks has an exclusive transcript from the ship’s black box. Just like the more familiar aviation devices, a shipping black box records all conversation at the controls of the vessel.
Ship: Danish Tiara
Date: 7 June 2006
Location: The Bermuda Triangle
Conditions: Dark & stormy
Captain Sven: Hi, you must be the local pilot, welcome.
Captain Sven: Hello, hej, you speak English, yes?
Local Pilot (muttered): He hasn’t said good mornin. He gotta say it first, he’s the forner.
Captain Sven: God morgen…
Local Pilot: Morgan… like Captain Morgan’s rum? Don’t mind if I do.
Captain Sven: No, it is Danish for good morning. Now, I should tell you a little about the Tiara, her controls are a little bit diff… no, please don’t touch that! As I was saying, she is a little bit..
LP: Eh bye, it’s all good, I done this before, I know what I’m doing.
CS: OK, but as I said, the Tiara is a new ship and she’s a..
LP: I know, a bit different. Don’t worry bye, we’ll have you in front of a swizzle before you can say Goslings. Hey, what does this button do?
CS: No! Don’t touch that! That’s the..
LP: Cooool! You can see the aerobics class from here… check out da longtail in de blue spandex…. Mmmmm mmmmm! Dis a great spot for webbin!
CS: Yes but before you take control I must show you….
LP: No problem, I’ve been riding a scooter since I was 12, and I finished the probation for that. (Pause) Oh yeah, baby, jumping jacks, yeah…
Tugboat Captain: Good morning Danish Tiara, this is Bermuda tugboat Lustful. It’s a little choppy out there so we’re going to help guide you in.
LP: Wesley, dat you bye? Zapnin?
Tugboat Captain: Yeah, this is Wesley, who’s that?
LP: Is Tarnell, bye… I know your aunty. How’s she doing?
CS: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but aren’t we getting a bit close to that rock?
LP: No problem bye, we got plenty of room, I came here on a jetski last weekend…. Yeah bye, aunty’s doing fine. Her diabetes been playing up and she had some constipation problems but its all good now.
Tugboat Captain: Good to know. Figs and cassava pie, tell her. Shifts it every time.
LP: Hey, what happens if I pull this lever? OK, OK, I’m just messin with ya captain.
CS: Shouldn’t we be the other side of that market? Red right return as you English speakers like to say…
LP: No bye, not here, dis is Bermuda. We gotta go past the pink house, take a left by Spanish Point… or was that right, I’m not good with my left and right.. Wesley, is it left past the pink house or right?
Tugboat Captain: No, bye, it’s straight ahead past de pink house, up de channel, past de markers, wait for de tugs…
LP: Got it, past de pink house, past de markers… hey Captain, can you get them to do more of those stretches? And a bit of jogging..?
CS: Never mind that, are you sure we are on the right path? I can see the bottom there.
LP: Don't worry bye, we’ve got plenty of..
Loud scraping sound
LP: Wesley! I thought you said left at the pink house, bye!
CS: My ship! My beautiful ship!
* Pure fiction and bears no relation to real life events in the real world.