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An Open Letter to P

CC: BermudaSucks.com, The Royal Gazette, The Bermuda Sun

Dear P,

How are things? Haven’t seen much of you in the news lately, so I guess you must be busy helping Paula with the budget or something. Well, that must be quite a task, dividing up the dollars between cricket and home renovations. You know, there are some neat financial planning programmes you can put on a pda, not sure if they work on Blackberry devices though.

Still, if I may interrupt, I have a few things I’d like to ask about, if you’re not too busy. I reckon a lot of people share these questions. Like, I saw that the DPP is reviewing the Rebecca Middleton case. I really hope that goes somewhere. After close to ten years, I hope her parents get some kind of justice and closure. Have you been in touch with them? What I would really like to know about this is what has government done about improving the judiciary system to ensure that this never, ever, ever happens again. Has there been any major overhaul of the system? Or improved training for those involved? Has the cause of the screw-ups been identified?

On a related topic, what on earth are you going to do to sort out sentencing in the courts? It all seems to be haywire to me. I bet you read the Royal Gazette and Bermuda Sucks too, so you must have noticed that sentencing seems to be, well, lets say inconsistent. Back in the day, the dude that did get convicted over Rebecca’s attack got 5 years in jail. He is still in jail because of a much longer sentence for armed robbery. It was before your time as Premier I know, but maybe you can explain why the armed robbery attracted a much longer sentence? The dude that wasn’t convicted because of those screw-ups did get a year for stabbing a woman. A year. Twelve months.

You see, P, I’m a woman and this concerns me too. Heck, it concerns most of the blokes I know. More recently (and within your time as Premier) we have seen a man who sexually assaulted children over a period of time get a mere sixteen month sentence for destroying their lives and family. We’ve seen men who brutally attack their wives get lighter sentences than people with not enough weed to get high. Others have escaped conviction altogether. Do the sentencing judges have no guidelines, bad guidelines, or do they just not apply them? I’m sure that behind the scenes you must be working really hard to put this right, but how about blowing your own trumpet and telling us exactly what measures you are taking to improve the Bermuda legal system?

Good luck with the cricket. And while you’re balancing that budget, I know you’ll be remembering to include a much-increased amount for the Women’s Resource Centre and for victims of child abuse, even if they are less important than the world cup and your nice cornices.

Yours sincerely,

Aj Baker

PARK ANYWHERE

Just go ahead and block the grocery store's sidewalk ramp, and park on the double yellow line. Who cares if you inconvenience everyone, you are Entitled!

MISSING GUEST WORKER FOUND AFTER SEVEN YEARS*

The fate of missing guest worker Marc Ferguson, an actuary from Nova Scotia, has long been one of the Bermuda Triangle’s greatest mysteries. He left his home in the small town of Frigid, 43 kilometres from Halifax, on February 19^th, 1999 to travel to a new life working for Bermuda-based Fraudulent Re. Ferguson was listed as having boarded the plane, but that was the last time he was seen alive – until now.

"We sent a representative to the airport, but assumed he must have missed us and made his own way to his accommodation," said Fraudulent spokesperson Marsha Fruitbat. "When he failed to report to work, we were annoyed, but assumed he was just another lazy, unreliable expat."

It was only when Ferguson’s family, concerned at his lack of response to phone calls and emails, contacted the company that they realized he may have met with foul play. Worried at the possibility of a lawsuit, they contacted police.

"Ferguson had passed through Bermuda immigration on February 21st in the fast-track lane," confirmed Bermuda Police Detective Asafa Romelbow. "After that, the trail went cold."

And cold it stayed, in spite of intensive investigations including asking around among the taxi drivers and at the Swizzle Inn. Ferguson had, quite simply, disappeared. Months passed, and there was no sign of the Canadian. His bank records showed no activity, his phone was unused and his employers hired another expat from the production line.

As months and then years went by, Ferguson’s family were forced to concede that it was unlikely they would see him again. While they never completely gave up hope, they began to adjust to life without him.

That all changed this week when, out of the blue, Ferguson appeared at the arrivals door of the airport looking dazed and tired. After almost seven years, the mystery was solved and the Ferguson family’s wait was over.

Speaking exclusively to BermudaSucks.com, Ferguson told us that he had been waiting in line at customs all this time. "They sent me to one line, then told me I had filled the forms out incorrectly, so I had to repeat the process. Then they went on strike, and told me to wait until they came back. My cases were searched, and it was decided that I should pay additional duty for a piece of toilet paper that had attached itself to my shoe in the aeroplane bathroom, so I was sent back to that line again. By that time, though, another BA flight had arrived and I had a long wait."

Next, Ferguson got in line and was searched again, this time by a different customs official, who informed him that the forms he’d filled out with guidance from her colleague were incorrect. Furthermore, he hadn’t declared or paid duty on his underpants. Returning to the cashier line, he waited behind arrivals from New York and Boston. This process continued, with the guest-worker moving from line to line and paying additional duty on further items. He was unable, however, to provide receipts for his socks and shirt, and this proved to be another sticking point. "I was told, no receipt, no customs clearance."

During his wait, Ferguson tried to call his family and employer for assistance. "Unfortunately, I was connected to Singularly Hopeless international roaming, so I was unable to get a signal and my text messages failed." Ferguson did, however, use his time in line at customs productively. He married a Brazilian guest worker, learned to speak Portuguese, fathered three children, wrote a novel and mastered the clarinet.

On finally clearing customs this week by abandoning his possessions, Ferguson was interviewed by police before being checked by a doctor from KEMH. He was said to be suffering no ill-effects, having survived on scraps fed to him by BA stewards.

Ferguson has since been deported for overstaying his visa and taking gainful employment not included on his work permit.

*sure, we invented the whole story.

LITTER CONUNDRUM

OK. This doesn't really suck. It is weird though. The can with the arrow, is totally screened off. What all about that?