Bermuda is to join the space race, sending a manned craft to land on the moon and examine the effects of gravity on black rum. Named Bermuda On The Top Of Mars (BOTTOM), the project will be Bermuda’s first planned voyage into space, with all previous attempts involving full-hot moped riders and alien abductions. BOTTOM is planned to take flight in mid 2007.
Throwing his weight behind the project, ‘P’ has made a statement confirming his confidence in the voyage. "I am so convinced that the BOTTOM exploration will be triumphant, I am even sending some of my valued parliamentary colleagues on the trip," commented the leader. It is anticipated that colleagues to be sent to Mars include transport minister Ewart Frown and former Tourism Minister HRH Princess Vidal Sassoon.
BOTTOM will be the first such expedition of any country, the US having concentrated on less weighty issues such as designing those anti-gravity pens and the like. Expertise for the project will all be Bermudian, although it is believed that the government has enquired about sending some expat media representatives to Mars, including the Bermuda Sucks guy, Limey in Bermuda and that annoying Royal Gazette writer that keeps catching them out.
Designer of the BOTTOM rocket is to be Delonte Furtrimingburt, winner of this year’s Horseshoe Bay kite-making contest. "Building a rocket employs the same principles, just on a larger scale," said Delonte. "The craft will be made from finest light wood and tissue paper in primary colours." Negotiations are being conducted with HWP for supply of engines, and it is planned these will be on the island sometime in Summer 2008.
Piloting the craft will be bus driver Wayne Brown, who says that piloting a rocket to the moon will be no challenge after guiding a big pink bus through all those damned tourists at Dockyard, "And if any of the BOTTOM passengers whine and complain like those commuters, I can just throw them out."
Putting its money where its mouth is, the government has allocated funding of $13 million. This is to cover a series of planning and training sessions at The Reefs resort, uniforms from Louis Vuitton and fuel from the Shell Station on the Causeway. Additional sponsorship from Enormous Reinsurance Ltd is paying to take government minister Corporal Birch-Bark on the BOTTOM venture. He is expected to take the role of BOTTOM pursar. Refusing to be left out, the opposition UBP party is insisting that it is represented, and intends to send Minister Dunkley along for the experience.
The name of Bermuda’s first ever spacecraft is to be decided in a public competition. Entries can be posted at www.bermudasucks.com and the winner will receive a Bermuda Sucks bumper sticker for their contribution.
*OK, we made it all up, but which of you haven’t fantasized about sending someone on a one-way ticket to Mars?