With concerns over caring for an aging population high on the agenda thanks to some crazed rambling on a quiet news day, the government has been exploring solutions to a looming crisis. After much debate at the Pickled Onion last night, it has been decided that the answer lies in technology.
“While we will continue to promote other more normal methods of population growth, such as teen pregnancies, the solution to our population crisis clearly lies in cloning,” said P. “This way, we don’t have to rely on nature taking its course and can guarantee a population that looks and sounds like us.”
Using funding diverted from less critical programmes such as the Salvation Army and the Women’s Resource Centre, Bermuda is to hire leading scientists from Edinburgh University, home of Dolly the Sheep. While it has not been announced who is to be cloned, it is believed that the shortlist is headed by P, Corporal Dutch Elm and members of the Bermuda cricket team. Females to be included on the list are Dame Loony and the grumpy cashier from the Phoenix Stores.
Edinburgh University spokesperson Rory Macarthur said that this was the first request of its kind. “We have never been asked to clone a politician or a cricketer before. Usually the requests are for people of great intelligence, fine athletes or Pamela Anderson.”
Commenting on plans to have an infrastructure that can support the clones, P said that expat housing will be used, with the foreign devils being moved into the old Berkeley School. Education will not be a problem: “We anticipate having the new Berkeley School ready in time for the first clones to enter the education system in 2012.”
Sites under consideration for a cloning laboratory include the old Club Med and the former US military base in St. Davids.
Government blames the need for cloning on guest workers.
*You’ll be glad to know that this one is completely untrue. Imagine all those Corporal Dutch Elm and P babies running around.
† It is untrue, isn’t it?