The Queen’s annual awards to those who have made contributions in the worlds of showbiz, sport, charity, business and community usually throws up few surprises. The New Years Honours List is usually leaked in advance to media. Yet this year, one surprise inclusion in Bermuda was kept secret right to the last moment. The Bermuda Sucks guy has been awarded a KBE (Knight of the British Empire) for his services to desperate ex-pats and comedy-starved Bermudians.
Usually, honours are restricted to citizens of commonwealth countries, with a few notable exceptions such as Irish sedative Bono. The protocol for honouring a visitor from Mars, however, is unclear. Breaking with tradition, the Queen has commented publicly on the award, saying, “One pissed oneself at all the fuss over the website, especially those photos of parking offences. Phillip and I are regular contributors to the Forum and especially enjoyed the thread about fat-bottomed Vuitton bag owners. One thought Harrods sucked until one read about the Market Place cashiers.” The monarch also questioned the price of ice cream at Lindos, pointing out that it is only two pounds at Tescos with a buy-one-get-one-free offer to boot. She discounted suggestions that she is making the award to earn extra karma points, and says she is already in double figures.
While Sucks guy, real name Valentine Michael Smith, has not yet commented publicly, it is said he is eager to discover if being a knight is anything like a Jedi knight. He is believed to be especially keen on the prospect of an official light sabre. He is not surprised at the site’s popularity with such distinguished visitors, noting that even queens need to have a rant now and again.
Other Bermuda notables being honoured in January include P, who will receive an MBE for promoting Shakespearian literature in parliament; Shaun Goater will get an MBE because palace officials are so relieved he’s left Reading and they have started winning again; and Catherine Z-J because she’s hot and there has to be a Welsh recipient or they’ll make a fuss and the leek harvest will suffer.
It is not known if Bermuda’s contingent will attend the fancy ceremony in London alongside such greats as Samantha Fox and Scary Spice, or will stay home to receive their honours from the Governor at a more sedate affair.
* Of course it’s a load of pants. Well, most of it.