In response to reports naming Bermuda as the best place in the world for women to find a mate, the government says it has been investigating ways to control and manage this trend. In the first of several measures, it is to commence charging an import duty on females. So far, a government spokesperson has been unable to give BermudaSucks.com details of how the taxable value of the women will be calculated, but it is thought that factors will include age, IQ, chest size, whether they know her aunties and whether she looks like the right government official.
In addition, since a calculation published in renowned British science journal The Sun, the government considers that any work conducted by spouses or partners in the home has an average value of $97,000 per year ($326,500 Bermuda price), they have determined that any spouse or other woman imported will be required to obtain a work permit. Importers of women will be required to advertise their needs in the Bermudian media and to prove that no Bermudian has applied for the post before ‘hiring’ from overseas. If a Bermudian applies, the applicant will be required to select her ahead of any foreign option, even if already married to said foreigner.
For both import and work permits, the women may be required to complete immigration department aptitude tests, thus answering the frequently heard question of "Who do I have to screw to get a work permit around here?"
Approval of a work permit will not entitle females to seek employment outside the home – and it is unlikely many will be able to hold two work permits at one time. It is unclear how the tax will be applied to lesbians at this time, although it is believed that the government is keen to avoid importing such products, classifying them as ‘pornography.’
Women temporarily traveling off-island will be required to complete one of those little yellow slips from customs in order to avoid paying duty again. Options for their serial numbers will include tattooing or the insertion of an electronic chip under their skin.
"Bermudian women have been missing out on opportunities in favour of foreign workers, and this has to stop," said Minister Blister. "Guest workers have been sneaking in these workers under the guise of family, with no work permit required whatsoever. They haven’t paid a cent in tax foe these commodities. The new regulations will be much fairer to Bermudians."
*Yep, complete and utter lies, we made the whole thing up… didn’t we?
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