I’ve been a good boy this year. I’ve introduced the nation to the best of English literature, even if they did mistake my Shakespearean quotes and Wilde references for racism. Lucky I’m building a new school big enough to educate all those dumbasses not smart enough to know what they’re signing. When I said it would be ready in January, maybe I should have told them which January I meant. For some reason, they all assumed I meant this coming January. Like they say in those management courses, assume makes an ass of u and… well, all those who look like you.
Anyway, back to the topic in hand. I’ve worked really hard to rescue us all from the evil empire. I had no idea how much persuasion it would take. Still, that BIC report should bore them into submission. And if that doesn’t work, a few days watching test matches should do the trick. Not that I really spent $11 million on that sport. Oh no, that reporter simply misheard me. The funding was for croquet, not cricket. And I have to say, the croquet lawn looks jolly nice at the front of my spiffy, smartened up abode. I’ll be glad when the home renovations are finally complete though, it has been like living on one of those awful reality TV shows the past year. You know, Changing Ballrooms, Trading Mansions or whatever.
So, after that exhausting work year, here is my Christmas list:
- Government for Dummies – they mentioned it on that darned website but I can’t find it in any of the stores.
- A new mansion. All those renovations and the wife still isn’t happy.
- An empire of my own. After independence, can we have a couple of small colonies. Say, New Zealand for starters. Nobody would miss it.
- A new Magic 8 Ball for my pal down at Immigration. The old one seems to be stuck on ‘reject work permit.’
- A TV station.
- A 747 for Ewart. Maybe that’ll keep him amused long enough to forget he wants my job. Or maybe I should just send him to the cricket as well.
- A Humvee. And a parking space big enough. I no longer have the biggest car on the island and need to keep up with the neighbour, even if he is one of the world’s richest men.
- A new cellphone. There seems to be a problem with the messaging on this Blackberry.
Santa, I promise to be good again next year, I have some great plans. Shame it is too late for the football team to get into the world cup. Ah well, there’s always the cricket. Or the croquet. Is it too late to add Brian Lara to that list?
Til next December,
* Of course Santa is real, but the rest may be a seasonal myth.