The government announced in its throne speech this week that it is to establish its own TV station, proving once and for all how responsible they are with the public purse. Hot off the presses, BermudaSucks.com can reveal that the non-political new channel will be called PLP TV. Like in the UK, viewers will have to pay a TV licence fee to cover the costs of the channel. Early estimates put this at $93,000 annually per household.
In what is sure to be a vote-winner, the government has lined up a great array of local and international content for PLP TV. We have been able to obtain sample scheduling and can give you a sneak preview of what to expect:
00.00 to 00.45 Bermuda Shopping Network – Phoenix Stores advertise their new toys in time for Christmas. Presented by Renee.
00.45 to 04.30 Cricket. Commentator Randy introduces us the thrills and excitement of this fast-moving sport.
04.30 to 05.00 Storytime: Alex and the Giant Peach. Our hero battles an expat attempt to import fruit without paying import duties or considering local farmers.
05.00 to 07.00 Good Morning Bermuda. Interactive TV News show – it will know if you say good morning back. Hosted by Ashfield and Michael.
07.00 to 08.00 How Clean is Your Crack House. The intrepid aunties visit a local home and take it from grime and crime to spick and span.
08.00 to 08.30 Aerobics Down Under – Ewart’s workout tackles those tough thigh and bottom areas.
08.30 to 09.00 Morning Worship around the Parishes. Today’s topic: Why voting PLP is next to godliness.
09.00 ish (later if raining) to 10.00 Drivetime Discussion – our host Alex looks at the important issues of the day and guides viewers to make the right choices in life, like voting PLP
10.00 to 11.00 Randy Springer – I’ve Brought You Here to Tell You Something: I’m Sleeping With All Your Baby Daddys
11.00 to 12.00 CSI Bermuda. The clown squadron determine that 74 identical crimes may be linked.
12.00 to 15.00 Cricket – Randy gives us the latest exciting play from the all-important game against another racist dictatorship.
15.00 to 16.00 The Muppet Show – behind the scenes in Cabinet.
16.00 to 17.00 Fear Factor: Immigration. Six expats test their nerves against the terror of renewing their work permit and choose whether to eat live cockroaches rather than try to get a landing permit.
17.00 to 18.00 Cricket – Randy gives you all the updates you’ve been waiting for. Viewer discretion advised – not suitable for those likely to slip easily into a coma.
18.00 to 19.00 Law & Disorder, Special Offenders Unit. Cops go after a drug dealer who has an aunty in high places.
19.00 to 20.00 Sixty Minutes – the current affairs show names and shames those conducting extra-marital flings.
20.00 to 21.00 Survivor Bermuda. Out-drink, Out-work, Out-just get out!
21.00 to 22.00 Cricket Highlights – because you can never have too much.
22.00 to 22.30 Figure Scooting – highlights from today’s commute on Woodlands Road.
22.30 to 23.00 Changing Rooms – Our savvy crew makeover the Premier’s house with a tiny budget of only $1.6m per room.
23.00 to 23.30 What Not to Wear – another unsuspecting victim gets the Renee and Jennifer treatment.
23.30 to 24.00
Cricket – those late scores you’ve been waiting up for.
The government is happy to hear requests and suggestions for shows to be added to the winter schedule of PLP TV. Comments can be sent to whogivesadamnwhat[email protected] or posted below at www.BermudaSucks.com.