BermudaSucks.com ... the inside scoop.

007 MOVIE CONFUSION LEADS TO BOND-AGE SHOCK*

For a while, Bermuda’s media buzzed with rumours that the next Bond movie, Casino Royale, was to be filmed in Bermuda. Locals rubbed their hands at the thought of the business and tourism opportunities. Fantasies of appearing as an extra flourished. We all know now, of course, that the blockbuster will in fact be shot in the Bahamas, bringing a boost to their tourism industry. Yet, as BermudaSucks.com has discovered, the inaccurate rumours arose from confusion with another movie to be made on the island. The latest in a series made by adult entertainment company SM Productions about ‘adventurous’ spy James Bondage, Obsceno Royale is an X-rated project unrelated to Ian Fleming’s more famous hero 007.

Reprising the role he made famous in ‘For Your Ties Only,’ adult movie veteran Willi Dengl says he is thrilled to continue the series. "For Your Ties Only was the movie that launched my career internationally; not only did it reach record sales, it is cited even now as a classic among the adult entertainment industry. Before becoming James Bondage, I was just another well-endowed European."

Director Horst Wuerst says that he looks forward to working on location in Bermuda, a favourite vacation spot from his childhood, "We will of course respect local laws about decency, even going to great lengths to recreate some famous Bermuda landmarks in a studio for some of the racier scenes. Other images we will add in post-production using CGI technology. The pink beaches, turquoise seas and white roofs will be the real thing though." Asked about pornography laws, Wuerst says, "Although I know there are strict regulations on importing ‘pornography,’ I don’t know of any that prevent its production or export. I have never been searched thoroughly when leaving the country."

Mr Wuerst gives away little of the plot of Obsceno Royale, only saying that there will be action aplenty. As in For Your Ties Only, hero Bondage will have an amazing array of electronic gadgets at his disposal for every possible occasion. Wuerst is hoping to sign a sponsorship and merchandising deal with the Phoenix Stores on his location-scouting visit this week. And for those with hopes of appearing as extras, all is not lost. "We will be hoping for extras for several outdoor scenes, and have also yet to cast roles that could be filled by locals, including that of Randy Shagton, the wallsitter used as a spy for villain Gold-dinger, and M’s aunty, Tequetta Strap.

In terms of script approval, Mr Wuerst anticipates little problem, saying, "There really aren’t that many words anyway, it is all very tongue in, um um, cheek. And no drug dealer plays a major part in the storyline. Any shown will be portrayed as expats. In addition, several of the porn stars can be made up to look and sound like the cabinet if that helps."

*Mostly untrue, but the real Bond movie will indeed be shot in the Bahamas, netting them millions in taxes, location costs, increased tourism and the kind of publicity that money can’t buy.

RICH ICE CREAM

No kidding, this 2.4 L carton of ice cream is $31.89 - bargain them down from the $31.90 on the tag to the price on the shelf. Stuff is expensive here, but are they kidding?  I'm told this same package of sells for 6 Euros in France...

BERMUDA’S ENDANGERED SPECIES – WOMEN

I suppose that in a society where lighting a joint is punished more heavily than ferociously attacking a woman, the figures released by the Women’s Resource Centre this week should not come as any surprise. Still, it made very uncomfortable reading. Of 204 reported sexual assaults on women in Bermuda from 2000 to 2004, only 27 made it to court and there were sixteen convictions. I know we’ve covered this topic before on BermudaSucks.com and I make no apology for brining it up again. Something is very wrong with this picture.

So where is the system falling short of protecting women against violence? A forum regular on this site, posting under pseudonym Sigh, recently encountered a sexually motivated assault and bravely agreed to tell us about her experience of reporting the crime and standing up in court in the hope it helps to drive some improvements. Most of you will have heard of the case; some 23 women reported a young man trying to lure them to secluded locations on the pretext that there was a fault with their car, then assaulted them. The man was acquitted in a case that it appeared should be straightforward. What went wrong?

Sigh says that she was treated "amazingly well" by the police. She was nervous to report it, both because she felt somehow stupid for being taken in and because, as an expat, she had heard so much negativity about how she would be treated by police. Her fears, I’m glad to say, were unfounded in this case. "The two police officers I dealt with were so positive and supportive. They were working very hard to apprehend this guy," she commented. It was time consuming to go through reporting the crime, visiting the police station three times to give a statement. Their thoroughness was impressive and Sigh felt reassured by their commitment and dedication to "doing everything in their power to build a watertight case." An identification parade, attended along with many other women, and a pre-trial meeting with the prosecutor were made possible thanks to a supportive employer.

Four women testified in court. As was widely reported, the accused was acquitted in spite of so many positive identifications; the prosecutor was deemed to have failed to adequately tie all four assaults together, so they had to each be considered separately by the magistrate. With there apparently being no court reporter present, it appeared that the magistrate had to take his own notes, meaning that he seemed unable to focus fully on the defendant and trial. The accused clenched his fists and lunged at Sigh while she was speaking during her two hours on the stand. "I think that the police are working as hard as they possibly can," says Sigh, continuing, "I don’t feel that the prosecutors and magistrates are taking it seriously enough though." She feels that the accused will re-offend "without a doubt" and fears that next time he will do much worse.

In spite of this experience, Sigh says she would still report incidents in the future, but has lost faith in the legal system – "I was devastated by his acquittal." More positive aspects have come in the support of police, friends, family and other victims.

As for other cases not making it to court, part of the problem according to the WRC is that, with around 80 percent of the victims being known to the perpetrator, victims may be intimidated and withdraw their complaint. Additionally, the social stigma is often a hindrance, with women fearing insensitive reporting, finger pointing and becoming the subject of unpleasant gossip. Cases can take up to two years to come to court, undoubtedly stringing out the trauma for all involved.

What can we do? Once again, we urge you all to consider contributing to the WRC, whether in time, money or expertise. Pressure your local MP to commit to tackling this issue. Try to avoid judging victims of assault. And probably the best suggestion I have heard, from Sigh, "I don’t know how the everyday person can fix this problem other than by calling attention to it over and over again, hoping that the lawmakers will get the picture."

BLOCK EM IN

This bike driver doesn't care he's made it impossible for the car behind him to get out without hitting his bike. Perhaps that's the idea?

BIBA BLAMES CRICKET FOR DROP IN QUALIFIED IB GRADUATES*

After a summer of immense sporting success on the world stage, its no surprise that Bermuda’s sporting heroes have been inspiring a new generation to tear themselves away from their X-Boxes in favour of bat and ball. The real shock though, says BIBA, is the effect that soaring world rankings are having in the business world. In a shock survey by Shonky Research Ltd, more than 81 percent of high school students said they’d prefer to follow in the footsteps of Shane Warne and Brian Lara (famous cricket types) than to become accountants. With an $11 million sweetener announced by government this week, more and more teenagers see cricket as a lucrative career opportunity.

"Hard though it is to believe, there’s a perception that a position at silly mid-on or in the slips** is more desirable than a position in auditing or management accounting," commented BIBA representative Marcus Dullard. "We can usually count on greed to lure youngsters into even the most mind-numbing and soul-destroying of corporate jobs. Now that cricketers are able to earn similarly stupid amounts, we can’t compete."

Fame is also seen as a motivator: after all, says Dullard, the only famous accountants and CFOs are those ending up in prison.

Antony Robertson, a grade 11 Cedarbridge student, is just one youngster to discard his calculator and spend his study time perfecting the fine art of the googly. "Cricket is almost as dull as accounting," says Antony, "But there are lots of confused and deranged women who find cricketers glamorous. Number crunchers just don’t get the girls."

In a related issue, it has emerged that a number of health problems have emerged among cricket fans. Especially concerning is the apparent link between watching test matches and the early onset of rigor mortis. Doctors are recommending that viewers alternate cricket with something more exciting like watching paint dry or reading the telephone directory to ensure that they don’t die of boredom.

*Yep, completely fabricated (except the bit about boredom)
**These really are cricketing terms apparently.

ABOVE THE LAW

Yes, that is a Police bike parked outside the bike stalls. Aren't they supposed to set the example, rather than flaunt their position?

PARALLEL UNIVERSE

While we may often complain, we are fortunate in Bermuda to have a friendlier and more efficient immigration service than in some places. Minutes from an immigration meeting in a parallel universe have come into our possession at bermudasucks.com and we’re happy to share them in order to show how good we have it here.

Rockland Parallel Universe Department of Immigration

Weekly Board Meeting Minutes

Date: 8^{th October, 2105}

Time: 2.00 pm

Location: Ariel Skies Beach Club, Rockland Parallel Universe

Present: Marshall Manners (Magic 8 Ball), Mystic Mega Lomaniac (Astrology), Harold Trumpet (Coin Flipping Consultant), Farmer Jones (Short Straw Manager), Latte Plebb (Image Consultant), Danilo Wallsitter (Dart Thrower), Alost Plott (Random Confused Government Employee) and Aunty Martha (Ineffective Chairperson).

Absent: Merry Blister (Parallel Universe Minister of Immigration)

AM: Thank you for coming. We have eighteen applications to hear today.. We must
MM: You forgot to say good afternoon.
AM: My apologies – good afternoon. Its important that we give each application a fair, um um consideration based on
LP: Yeah yeah. Bunch of Earth people coming here to take our jobs. They don’t look like us, they don’t…
MM, MML, HT, FJ, DW: Sound like us, we know.
AP: Um um, anyone have a light?
AM: Government offices are non-smoking facilities.
FJ: I’ll give you a light if you give me a toke.
DT: Share and share alike.
MML: Lets get on with it, I want to be at the Spinning Wheel by four.
HT: OK, who’s up first?
AM: Earth human called Albert Einstein, applying for a work permit as a teacher.
LP: Does he look like us?
MML: Earth humans never look like us. They’re all dull colours. You know, pasty pink, beige, brown. Not a green or turquoise among them.
LP: I want to see permits given to beings that look like us.
DW: I got an um-um cousin looks like you when he’s in drag. Give him the job.
MM: But your cousin isn’t qualified. All he does is sit on craters all day selling herbal remedies. This Einstein has top teaching qualifications.
MM: Ball says ‘Maybe.’
LP: That’s no help. Harold, heads we take Einstein, tails we tale the cousin.
HT: Tails. Einstein can go back to where he came from.
AP: I’m hungry. Anyone have any chocolate?
FJ: Who’s next?
AM: Denzel Washington, permit as a drama teacher. Another earth human.
LP: Does he look..
DW: How many times. If you keep changing your antenna style, nobody’s ever going to look like you.
HT: Well, there was that Spice Girl…still think we should’ve given her a permit. She’d have been a great psychiatrist.
AM: What does this Denzel’s horoscope say?
MML: The moon In Venus means he’s going to experience a career setback.
AM: OK, approved. Next, renewal for Jean-Paul Gaultier, space suit maker.
DW: Is he the one that put the pointy earth bosoms on the females? I um um liked them.
LP: Yes. He’s a disgrace. Claimed that the government is not perfect and that there are better craters on Jupiter.
MM: Yes but we have no Parallel Universe beings qualified to do the job.
AM: My aunty needs more money to pay for her third condo. Declined.
MML: How many more to go? Happy hour finishes at five.
MM: Happy hour, why didn’t you say?
AM: OK, Marshall, what does the magic 8 ball say for Bill Gates, IT consultant?
MM: Oh, that’s not right… it says ‘program not responding.’ Don’t know what that means. But he does kinda look like us.
AM: We’ll take it as a yes then. Danilo, throw a dart for dart for um um Alex Scott, street sweeper. Quickly now.
LP: Street sweeper… can’t we get a Parallel Universe being to do that?
AM: Ho, they all want to be working in intergalactic business these days.
DW: Bullseye. What’s that noise?
AM: That’s the Earth people cheering for him. He’s obviously very popular and they’re happy for him to get such a promotion. Last one now. Valentine Michael Smith, Earth’s most notorious webmaster. Farmer Jones, can you draw a straw for him?
FJ: Hey, Danilo, this is good sh*t, where d’you get it?
AM: Anyone? Quickly…
LP: Too divisive, what if he makes a paralleluniversesucks.com site? And anyway, he…
FJ, DW, MM, MML: Doesn’t look and sound like us…
AM: Rejected. Meeting adjourned. Are we still in time for happy hour?

Blocking the lane

I hate it when the Entitled park in the lane at this market, just so the can be a few steps closer to the door.

BA SUSPENDS BERMUDA FLIGHTS AS TALKS CONTINUE*

New Chief Executive defends pilot’s faux-pas

British Airways has been forced to suspend its flights to Bermuda in an escalating row over manners that saw Bermuda’s traffic controllers refuse landing permission to a packed flight from London Gatwick. The pilot stunned duty controller Warwick Dickinson by neglecting to say good afternoon when first making contact – and then ignoring several conversational prompts to do so. A shocked Dickinson said, "There’s no way I could let the bye land, so I kept him circling. I thought he’d get the point but these foreigners are sometimes just rude. I passed him over to my supervisor when he didn’t comply with the required greeting."

Supervisor Lashaquakeisha Smith says that, on greeting pilot George Huntingdon, she was met with a startling and abusive rant. "He accused me of being a prostitute. An old one at that. I immediately told him that the only place his language would get him is a return flight across the Atlantic Ocean. I declined his request and sent him away to learn some manners."

Since the incident, industrial action by the Controllers’ Union of National Traffic (yeah, you can figure the acronym) means that flights from BA have been refused entry to Bermuda’s air space. A union spokesperson says this will not change until BA issues an official apology and sacks the disgraced pilot. "We cannot understand why they are protecting such atrocious behaviour," he said.

BA has issued a statement apologizing for any "misunderstanding" but says it does not give grounds to dismiss a pilot with "a long and distinguished flying record." It claims that in English, "What-ho old girl," is an appropriate greeting and not an accusation of geriatric prostitution. Furthermore, it claims that "Top hole, jolly good show," is not in fact a form of prohibited adult entertainment and has absolutely no sexual reference. In fact, they say, it is meant as a compliment.

"Well, if referring to genitalia and bodily orifices is a compliment where they come from, we don’t need their kind in Bermuda anyway," says a furious and traumatized Smith. "They should behave by our rules and speak our way. If they don’t like it, they can just leave!"

* no, this isn't real either

I'll take mine down the middle.

In an otherwise full parking lot, this driver needs two spaces.