007 MOVIE CONFUSION LEADS TO BOND-AGE SHOCK*

For a while, Bermuda’s media buzzed with rumours that the next Bond movie, Casino Royale, was to be filmed in Bermuda. Locals rubbed their hands at the thought of the business and tourism opportunities. Fantasies of appearing as an extra flourished. We all know now, of course, that the blockbuster will in fact be shot in the Bahamas, bringing a boost to their tourism industry. Yet, as BermudaSucks.com has discovered, the inaccurate rumours arose from confusion with another movie to be made on the island. The latest in a series made by adult entertainment company SM Productions about ‘adventurous’ spy James Bondage, Obsceno Royale is an X-rated project unrelated to Ian Fleming’s more famous hero 007.

Reprising the role he made famous in ‘For Your Ties Only,’ adult movie veteran Willi Dengl says he is thrilled to continue the series. "For Your Ties Only was the movie that launched my career internationally; not only did it reach record sales, it is cited even now as a classic among the adult entertainment industry. Before becoming James Bondage, I was just another well-endowed European."

Director Horst Wuerst says that he looks forward to working on location in Bermuda, a favourite vacation spot from his childhood, "We will of course respect local laws about decency, even going to great lengths to recreate some famous Bermuda landmarks in a studio for some of the racier scenes. Other images we will add in post-production using CGI technology. The pink beaches, turquoise seas and white roofs will be the real thing though." Asked about pornography laws, Wuerst says, "Although I know there are strict regulations on importing ‘pornography,’ I don’t know of any that prevent its production or export. I have never been searched thoroughly when leaving the country."

Mr Wuerst gives away little of the plot of Obsceno Royale, only saying that there will be action aplenty. As in For Your Ties Only, hero Bondage will have an amazing array of electronic gadgets at his disposal for every possible occasion. Wuerst is hoping to sign a sponsorship and merchandising deal with the Phoenix Stores on his location-scouting visit this week. And for those with hopes of appearing as extras, all is not lost. "We will be hoping for extras for several outdoor scenes, and have also yet to cast roles that could be filled by locals, including that of Randy Shagton, the wallsitter used as a spy for villain Gold-dinger, and M’s aunty, Tequetta Strap.

In terms of script approval, Mr Wuerst anticipates little problem, saying, "There really aren’t that many words anyway, it is all very tongue in, um um, cheek. And no drug dealer plays a major part in the storyline. Any shown will be portrayed as expats. In addition, several of the porn stars can be made up to look and sound like the cabinet if that helps."

*Mostly untrue, but the real Bond movie will indeed be shot in the Bahamas, netting them millions in taxes, location costs, increased tourism and the kind of publicity that money can’t buy.

Comments

[Naughty]

I heard that a certain former tourism minister is up for the part of Pussy Galore.

[Reality]

Ah, but which part of pussy is it she's after?