BermudaSucks.com ... the inside scoop.

BREAKING THE SILENCE

Lets start with a question. Which criminal do you believe deserves the harshest punishment: the young man in possession of 0.07 grams of marijuana or another young man who ran down his estranged wife, brutally beat her and then got back on his moped and ran her down again, all because he believed she may have been unfaithful? Think about this carefully. And then consider the actual punishments meted out: $800 fine or 80 days jail for the marijuana (yes, 0.07 grams, you read that right and I defy anyone to get stoned on that amount), a suspended 6 month sentence for the moped man.

The answer prompts more questions in my mind: Why is it that one of the most harrowing crimes seems to receive such light sentences in the courts? That we can wield a zero tolerance policy on thieves and drug offenders but not on those who commit horrific acts of violence against women? I’m not knocking the fight against drugs here, but I am, like many, concerned at the seemingly low consideration given to domestic violence sentencing.

Domestic violence is a silent epidemic. Its victims are predominantly women and children. It affects every echelon of society, regardless of wealth, race or religion. It is so entrenched that you probably have a perpetrator and victim in your social circle without even knowing it. Yet because domestic violence happens behind closed doors by the very people women should be able to trust – their spouses or partners – victims face immense barriers in bringing offenders to justice. When they do, sentencing seems often absurdly light. We as a society should be ashamed for not supporting these women better in their time of need.

Those who haven’t experienced domestic violence often find it hard to understand why victims don’t just leave, but it often isn’t that simple. Even strong, assertive women can find themselves on the receiving end, trapped in a downward spiral that is difficult to break without care and support. They often feel ashamed, as if they are somehow to blame. Family, social and financial considerations can also be significant. This is why organizations such as the Women’s Resource Centre are so important.

The WRC helps more than 200 women a year to find a way for themselves – and often their children – to break a cycle of violence. They offer assistance with counseling and advice, court advocacy, community education and victim support services. The WRC receives just $60,000 a year in government funding and adds to that where it can through fundraising activities – but it is always a struggle to stretch the dollars to meet demands. Yet more victims are supported and protected by the police (regardless of whether charges are brought), the Physical Abuse Centre (24-hour hotline service 297-8278), and the Department of Consumer Affairs.

The examples of sentences that I used above are not unusual – check back issues of The Royal Gazette or Bermuda Sun, and you’ll see what I mean.  The man who stabbed his girlfriend in front of their two children, then barricaded himself in the house with them: twelve months. The magistrate was quoted as saying, "I wish I had the power to give you a sentence greater than what I have the power to do."  And on it goes.

Lets try this: when you finish reading this article, instead of letting it slip from your mind when you click on another page, make a note for yourself first to drop a donation to the WRC (Reid Street above The Music Box) or call them on 295-3882 to find out other ways to help. Their website is at www.wrcbermuda.com and women needing crisis support can call the hotline on 295-7273 (6pm to 6am). Ask – and keep asking – your local Member of Parliament what is being done to increase sentences.

And before you think it has nothing to do with you, consider this: next time, the victim could be your friend, co-worker, sister, daughter, aunty – even you. Lets all help to call a halt to this epidemic, before even one more woman or child is hurt.

JERRY SPRINGER’S COMING TO TOWN

You heard it here first… The world’s most famous talk show is on the hunt for new guests. After running the popular series for more than a decade, producers are in danger of exhausting the cream of trailer park society in the US. They’ve been scouring other locations for a fresh pool of talent and, after seeing the bleeped-out swear word ratio of posters on BermudaSucks.com, are confident that Bermuda has a great contribution to make.

Sought after criteria include the ability to squeeze an average of at least three swear words per sentence, and being an English speaker is an advantage. For women, a voice like a foghorn would be beneficial, as would the ability to make your booty jiggle when attacking your ace boy’s new be-atch. Willingness to remove random pieces of clothing while proclaiming to the camera that you’re all that. For men, dubious facial hair and the ability to dodge two cat-fighting women who improbably find you attractive is essential, and a whining drawl would also be helpful.

Applicants must be willing to make complete fools of themselves on prime time TV for no remuneration other than a set of Jerry beads. Wardrobe is usually provided by participants, and for women should be no less than two sizes too small. For men, the option is one size too small or three sizes too large.

Anyone interested should send their details to trailertrash@jerry.org.

*Lies, all lies… but wouldn’t it be great?

Parking privilege

On Bermuda's narrow roads, it's illegal, (and dangerous), to park where the center line is yellow.  Unless you are one of the Entitled.

BERMUDA SCOOPS HONOURS AT INTERNATIONAL FIGURE-SCOOTING CHAMPIONSHIPS

Talented scooter riders from Bermuda showed their skills on Friday at the first ever world figure-scooting championships, taking top honours in mens, womens, juniors and synchronized classes.

The contest, held at various locations around Hamilton, drew a high level of local and international competitors. It was Bermuda’s depth of talent that showed through, keeping other countries almost entirely out of the medals.

Competitors were marked for their technical ability, artistic impression, outfit and the decibel level of their mopeds in each of a formal and free program. Overall mens winner Kevin James Brown, 17, of Pembroke, executed the day’s most impressive move, a one-foot-drag wheelie with a 45 degree lean while talking on his cellphone, drinking a beer and calling out to a pretty girl. This move, with a 9.97 degree of difficulty, was the clincher in a close competition against established competitors Antony Furbean of Somerset (silver) and Marcus Webb of Hamilton Parish (bronze).

"I knew I had to do something spectacular when I heard Furbean’s 90 decibel modified Peugeot come up de road," said Brown. "Fortunately, I remembered to say a polite good morning to the judges, but Webb almost trumped that by stopping mid-intersection to pass the time of day with Auntie. If he hadn’t lost points for fastening his helmet, he may have been here instead of me."

Another highlight, the pairs figure-scooting won by the new partnership of Lakeisha Berry and Marlon Da Mann, was marred by the ejection of Canadian judge Pierre le Quebecois. After seeing Canadian pair Marc Campbell and Mary-Lou Breton, usually considered to be the Torvill and Dean of figure-scooting, receive surprisingly low scores from the Bermudian judges, le Quebecois was incensed. After showing his displeasure by awarding only 3.4 to a Southampton duo achieving full scores of 6.0 from all other judges, le Quebecois was ushered from the judges box and arrested for participating as a judge when it wasn’t on his work permit. Campbell and Breton were also deported for similar offences.

Pointing out that, after independence, Bermuda’s other sports teams could achieve similar success, a government spokesperson said that, "This proves that our social, economic and housing policies are working and that, if we become independent, our isles will be a utopia full of high-spending tourists and affordable condos." *

*complete fabrication

COMMUNITY SHOCKED BY THONG BIKINI & TOPLESS BATHING OUTRAGE *

Guest workers spark surge in crime, alcoholism, drugs and Elton John CD sales.

In a disturbing incident on Saturday, two female guest workers were caught flaunting public decency laws while sunbathing at Jobsons Cove. One of the accused, Honey Miller,24,  a fitness instructor from Australia, wore a thong bikini in a public place, while Ulrike Svensson, 26, a personal trainer from Sweden, scandalized onlookers by sunbathing topless. To add to their lawlessness, the pair launched a seemingly unprovoked attack on the Labour, Home Affairs and Public Safety Minister.

“I had only had time to introduce myself before the Australian slapped me on the face,” said Minister Horton. “All I said was, “Hello, I’m Randy Hor..” and they became violent.” The tourist is said to have misunderstood, thinking that he was describing his state of mind and not introducing himself.

Thong bikinis are, said a government insider, a scourge against the traditional moral values of our society. Exposing nipples is “Likely to spark increases in crimes such as shoplifting, fraud and loitering. One only has to compare the low crime rates in countries such as the USA, where topless bathing is illegal, to the high rates in Denmark, Germany and France, where women frequently expose their devil’s dumplings** and bottom cheeks without thought of the trauma they will cause in onlookers.”

Acting swiftly, the government has rolled out its Crisis Response Action Plan (CRAP) to aid the community in coming to terms with its shock, distress and confusion. “We are particularly concerned to counsel young men who may now believe that all women have breasts and bottoms. We’d like to reassure the community that this is not the case and that they can sleep easy knowing that we will crack down hard on such violations of our decency laws. We are not going to descend into the anarchy seen in lawless states such as Sweden and France.”

* Article is completely fabricated
** technical term for breasts first used on Black Adder II

Racist? They think there are 65,973 classes.

How many people are here today?  Tourists, business visitors, ex-patriot (ex-pat) workers, and the 65,970 other social strata that exist here.  Bermudians aren't just racist.  They don't like anybody who isn't them!

I had to live here to understand there aren't just black and white people.  Black people discriminate against each other more than they do against white people.  After all, there are  so many shades of black...

From blue to high yellow, nobody likes nobody.

What I found most peculiar was the notion of 'other' here.  As in black, white and other.  Like the vast Portuguese population: 'other'.   And all along, I always thought they were white.  Well OK, well tanned white.

Tips & Tricks

Tip: if you beat your wife and run her over you can get away with it.

Trick: I'm sorry.  This makes me sick.   If you feel the same way, please support the Woman's Resource Centre.  These good people "Provide workshops, seminars and forums to inform educate the community of preventive measures against sexual assault and physical/sexual abuse; maintain a public reference library; support clients through the legal process".   Call them at 441-295-3882.

Tip: drink at home.

Trick: You can find a deal at Place's Place - $3.50 for a highball.  Or you can drink at Elbow Beach: $22 for a highball and a glass of wine; yeah one round, before 'tip'.

Tip: don't smoke weed here.

In the face of modern medical science this still Territorial society must pander to the money in the United States by coping to Reagan'esque "war on drugs" policies.  If you want to buy marijuana here you are looking at a fine, criminal prosecution and jail time.

There is disincentive; ganga is $500 USD per ounce here.  That only encourages the dealers. Or should I say dealers with inside connections.

Here's a recent story of a student that will never be able to travel because of a drug conviction for having one joint.  Note the additional story of the poor sod who was 'assisting police' and got busted for 0.07 grams.  Is that even enough to see?  $800 fine or 80 days in jail.  Say goodbye.

Trick: if you must, its $50 a "poke".  You won't get a worse deal, those in power regulate the price.  That's just a a couple of wee joints - if you can roll a genuine tooth-pick. 

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