With Bermuda having escaped relatively unscathed from the recent 40 metre tsunami waves, government has acted swiftly to devise a new national emergency plan.
Premier’s Action National Incident Contingency (PANIC) Plan will be put into action in all disaster situations, whether natural or caused by malevolent guest workers.
The PANIC Plan will incorporate the Premier’s Emergency Escape Plan (PEEP) to ensure that Bermuda’s leadership is safely off-island in the event of hurricanes, floods or Canadian accountant uprisings.
“Typically, it is ensured that the leader is off-island in emergency situations, as we saw with last year’s hurricane,” said PANIC Plan overseer Corporal Barmy.
“Unfortunately, the tsunami emergency was unplanned and our leader was unable to escape the island. PANIC will improve our response in this situation.”
The PANIC Plan will ensure that people are suitably informed and aware of what to do in an emergency. It covers emergency services response, communications and evacuation situations.
PANIC prioritises rescue and evacuation to ensure minimal losses. The optimum evacuation point has been determined to be Gibbs Hill, with plans to relocate the Goslings warehouse there immediately to a purpose-built underground bunker.
Gibbs Hill is to be marked with colour coded lines so people will know their place. Top of the hill will be Government Ministers (gold line), then Born Bermudians (blue line), with subsequent sections for Other Bermudians (white line), Spouses of Bermudians (yellow), People Who Look Like Bermudians (purple – see definitions to be posted on scooters and bus stops around the island), tourists (pink line) and then guest workers (red line).
The PANIC Plan can be activated by any Bermudian encountering a national emergency, simply by following the CHAOS steps:
CELLPHONE – call or text everyone you know to ensure that Digihell’s capacity is used to the max.
HAIR – ensure your style is ready for all those media interviews.
AUNTIE – make sure you inform your aunties, it would be rude not to.
OFFICIALS – inform the appropriate emergency services such as police, fire services and VSB.
STAMPEDE – get to your assigned position at Gibbs Hill.
“It is never too soon to invoke PANIC or CHAOS,” said Corporal Barmy. “The sooner we start PANIC, the sooner we can get the Premier on the BA flight and avoid unnecessary loss of life and frequent flyer points.”
While he put no limit on the type of situations where PANIC would be appropriate, he singled out hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, avalanches, terrorist sous-chefs and rioting Philippino nannies as especially PANIC-worthy incidents.
Phase 2 of PANIC preparedness will include acquisition of $36 million of Louis Vuitton gas masks for those entitled to survive higher level attacks. It will also incorporate compulsory conscription of expats to work camps to build escape tunnels from the Cabinet Building to the airport and Gibbs Hill.
When PANIC has been launched, warns Corporal Barmy, to avoid road congestion, only government workers will be entitled to use cars. Bermudians will be entitled to use mopeds, SoBs will be entitled to catch a pink bus (coupons only, no cash allowed) and foreigners should travel on foot or just wait to be rescued.
In emergencies, regular updates will be posted by Bermuda’s bloggers.
The full PANIC plan can be found posted at government buildings and will be on the government website when someone can figure out how.
* So we made it up… better than not having a plan, isn’t it?